These past few weeks have been quite a challenge for me! I have been having a difficult time with one of the choirs here and I wasn't quite sure what I was doing wrong. I was convinced that it was just me and that it was completely my fault (I tend to put all responsibility on myself if things go wrong). I had hit a point in my student teaching where I just feel like I'm doing more damage than help in Joie's program and it wasn't a good feeling! The more I dwelt on it, the worse I got! I felt like students started to hate me and that music was just falling apart.
Now, before you freak out or call me to tell me that everything is okay, keep reading. I had a wonderful realization the other day as I was speaking to one of my friends; it isn't completely my fault. Yes, I am part of the equation but I am not the entire equation! I received great comfort from my mentor teacher in speaking with her about it. It turns out, I'm not the only student teacher who has had a difficult time with this class! Not only that, but it is just that one class that has been "falling apart". I had an awesome rehearsal with a different choir and realized that I was a HUGE part of their improvement!! I could not--and still cannot--believe the thoughts I was having the last few weeks. As I've been reflecting on my time here in Nampa and all of the experiences I've had. A lot of them have been "negative" experiences (at first glance). I had a moment where I thought I knew what was best for me! I thought that I was in the wrong place, that I didn't belong here, that I was sent here by mistake, and all of these silly thoughts that just would not leave my head! And a lot of those things are true, I feel like a fish out of water here in Nampa . . . but I honestly believe that is what I needed!
There is a story that Elder Hugh B. Brown shares that talks about "The Currant Bush" The gardener cuts and trims the bush and the bush gets angry with the gardener,
“How could you do this to me? I was making such wonderful growth. I was almost as big as the shade tree and the fruit tree that are inside the fence, and now you have cut me down. Every plant in the garden will look down on me, because I didn’t make what I should have made. How could you do this to me? I thought you were the gardener here.”
That was the point I had reached in my student teaching a few weeks ago (before Thanksgiving break and a little ways after). Nothing was going right, I didn't like being cut down, I felt like I didn't deserve to be cut down, and I didn't (and couldn't) understand why God would have sent me here! Of all of the places in the world why here!? I could do much better things elsewhere!
Elder Brown continues in his story and says that the gardener responds to the little currant bush:
“Look, little currant bush, I am the gardener here, and I know what I want you to be. I didn’t intend you to be a fruit tree or a shade tree. I want you to be a currant bush, and some day, little currant bush, when you are laden with fruit, you are going to say, ‘Thank you, Mr. Gardener, for loving me enough to cut me down, for caring enough about me to hurt me. Thank you, Mr. Gardener.’”
Here is where I am now! I have made a difference in some of these students' lives! How do I know? I've seen it! God has blessed me this last week to see how me being in Nampa has affected the people here. And it varies from all of the students now saying "shmer shmer" to students coming to me with problems! I have been God's hand here in Nampa! I didn't go to school every day with the thought, "Alright, time to show these kid's who their Heavenly Father is!" and then go preach the gospel! God knows that I have talents and abilities that could/would help these people here in Nampa. And it hasn't just been teaching, it has been in my ward, in institute, and everywhere I have gone! I have met some spectacular . . . nay, INCREDIBLE people! You know how I feel about that word, I don't use it because of what it means to me. But it is completely true in this case!! God knew that some of the people in Nampa needed me, but I needed them!
I have learned so much from my friends and the experiences I have gone through here (the good and bad) and I wouldn't trade them for anything! One of the things that stands out most to me in that story is what the gardener says to the currant bush, "I didn't intend you to be a fruit tree or a shade tree. I want you to be a currant bush . . ." God has a plan for all of His children. He knows what we can be, and what we are! I am not meant to be a fruit tree or a shade tree; God needs me as a currant bush! That is how I can best serve Him! Why did I have to come to Nampa? Because I needed to grow more as a currant bush!
One of the reasons I decided to teach high school was because I remember trying to figure out who I was. It was a hard time in my life emotionally and I wanted to be a person that kids that age could come talk to. I am now that person! I am helping people, I am loving people, I am being a currant bush! I don't need to be anything else; I am a currant bush and I am happy being such! And, you know what, I'm a dang good currant bush!! :) No, but seriously I am loving myself more and more every day because I understand that God has a plan for me! I want to thank my gardener, for cutting me down. All of the trials and hard times I've had this last semester have truly built me up and made me a better and stronger currant bush!
And so I say, "Thank you, Mr. Gardener, for loving me enough to cut me down, for caring about me enough to hurt me. Thank you Mr. Gardener." :)
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