Better Out Than In

Today Emma is 9 Months old!!  She's been out nearly as long as she was in!  I took some photos today and have just been reflecting on the last nine months and what a ride it has been!  Emma loves to laugh, sing, and even dance!  She is very snuggly, but only when she wants to be.  If I want to snuggle, forget it!  She has to initiate it!

Emma loves food!  When we ask her if she, "Wants more?"  She will sign "please".  She also loves to sign "light".  She is a very smart girl!  We are working on "love" and "thank you".

Emma, thank you for being such a smiley baby.  You aren't always happy (like when you are teething, which you currently are), but you are a majority of the time.  Keep that good spirit little one!  We love you to Kolob and back!

Here's a link for her Nine Month Vlog!!

Weight: 17 lbs. 7.5oz
Height: 27in.

My Thoughts on the Milwaukee Riots

Since I was little I was taught that we are all children of God.  It doesn't matter what your race, job, religion, or sexuality is; you are a child of God.  Your divine heritage has been, and will always be, that you are God's child.  He created you and loves you unconditionally.  My goal is to live in a way that I can return home and live with Him again!  To do that, I must follow His commandments and keep the covenants that I have made with Him, including the commandment to "love one another as I have loved you".

A few years ago I heard about the #BlackLivesMatter movement.  In the beginning I honestly supported the movement!  I felt like they were standing up for something important; there is still racism in the world today and it's something that everybody should fight against and be aware of.  I don't feel like that is what is happening anymore.

I think a majority of the people are still striving to bring to light that racism is real and that it needs to be stopped.  However, I also feel like there is a very loud minority that is taking it into a different direction.

For those of you that haven't heard about the Milwaukee Riots, here is a link.  A very short version: an armed black man was shot, and killed, by a black police officer after he refused to drop his weapon.  Shortly thereafter riots broke out where two cop cars were destroyed/burned, six businesses were burned down (gas stations, banks, etc), and there was a call to attack any white person they saw on the street (this was the video that I saw on Facebook this morning about these riots in Milwaukee.).

This is not okay.

These riots don't solve any problems!  The Black Lives Matter movement is meant to be about being treated equally.  But how are some of the minority treating everybody?  They are throwing bricks at them, beating them on the street, and hunting them because they are not black.  Where is the equality in that?  If anything, I feel like it's hypocrisy.

The police officer in Milwaukee did what needed to be done to help keep others safe.  It had nothing to do with the fact that the man was black (remember that the police officer that shot him is black as well)!  It was about protecting people and making sure that the neighborhood was safe.  Racism had nothing to do with it!

On the Black Lives Matter page, under the Guiding Principles--Restorative Justice it states:

"We are committed to collectively, lovingly and courageously working vigorously for freedom and justice for Black people and, by extension all people. As we forge our path, we intentionally build and nurture a beloved community that is bonded together through a beautiful struggle that is restorative, not depleting."

I'm sorry, but that is not done with riots!  That is not "lovingly", and is not a way to fight for freedom for "all people".  When the phrase "all people" is used, it means all people!  Whether you are Black, White, Asian, Christian, Muslim, etc.  The extremists all over the US, for the past few months, have forgotten that!  It has become "Only Black Lives Matter" to them, and again, that is not okay.  All lives truly do matter!  Your skin color does not make you better or less than anybody else!

On July 4, 1776 a document for our Nation was signed; it says:

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness."

The principles Declaration of Independence are what this country is built on.  Movements like the Black Lives Matter movement is creating a Civil War where it isn't Black vs. White, it is American vs. American.  We are a United States!  If we truly "hold these truths to be self-evident", then I think we would do well to remember that all men are created equal; all lives matter.

A Mother's Day to Remember!!

On May 5, 2016 I was scheduled to go in to the hospital to start the induction process.  I will be totally honest, I was terrified!  At the same time I was excited!  We had waited a little over nine months to see our little girl, but I was really scared about the pain.

We checked in at 9:30pm and then started the process around 11:30pm.  Because my cervix had been at 1.5cm and 80% effaced for the last few weeks they gave me cytotec to help with the dilation and to start contractions.  After the first two hours it had helped with contractions, but I hadn't changed dilation/effacement.  So, they gave me some more . . . and that is where everything started!

At 5:30am I was in such pain from the contractions I decided to get the epidural then (I hadn't really slept at all, and I knew I would need it).  They checked me again before the epidural and I was 7cm and 100% effaced.  The anesthesiologist came in to give me the epidural, I hated it!  It hurt so badly to put it in I wondered if it would be worth it (*side note: it totally was)!  Tony and I both were able to get a few hours of sleep after that.

By the time I had fully dilated it was around 10am.  The epidural made me shake really badly, like an intense shiver.  I don't remember being cold, but I may have been.  Another funny note about the epidural, I didn't understand that it was a constant flow.  I thought it was a single dose and then I controlled when I received more.  So, whenever I started feeling something I would push the button.  I only pushed it three times, but it made my arms and torso extremely weak.  So I couldn't move; I would try to use my arms to sit up a little bit, but I couldn't. Emma's head wasn't down really low, so they decided to push off the pushing process and we tried to get her head a little lower so I wouldn't have to push so long.  All I did was lay there with what the nurse called a "peanut pillow" in between my knees for two hours. By 12:15 we decided to start the pushing process.  I did four sets of three pushes before the nurse told me to stop.  The doctor hadn't arrived yet, so we needed to wait a few minutes before he got there.

Once the doctor got there I only had to push a few times before Emma was born!  At 1:08, Emma was born!  The nurse and doctor were surprised by how quickly the pushing went.  It took about 40 minutes, and I wasn't pushing that entire time.  But I think because it went so fast I had some pretty bad tearing.

Emma's APGAR scores were incredible though!  Normally the first score is low because they haven't pinked up yet and other factors.  Emma was an 8 and then a 9!!

Emma JoAnn
Born May 6 @ 1:08
Weight: 8 lbs. 5 oz.
Height: 20 1/2 inches

I am so in love with this little girl!  She already has Tony wrapped around his finger.  We left the hospital on Mother's Day, my first one as a Mother!  She already has a lot of personality!  She sleeps A LOT (and I'm not complaining).  Feeding her was difficult at first because we couldn't get her to stay awake.  That is still a problem sometimes, but she is eating much better!

It has been a few days and we just continue to love her!  She makes hilarious faces and loves to cuddle!  One of these days I'll get pictures of her silly faces!  But here are some pictures I have so far:

Emma has really long and sharp nails.  When she was first born, she grabbed the left
side of her face.  Her eye lid is still a little bruised.

Happy Mother's Day!  This was Emma's going home outfit!

My Shuck family and the hospital gave me some flowers!
They are so pretty!

I just love how she curls up with Tony!

Emma sleeping!

All pregnancy I hadn't really had swollen feet unless I had been on them all day.
This was 5 days after giving birth.  I look like I have elephantiasis!

Emma hates having her diaper changed.  Whenever we go to check her diaper she'll pull her
legs up and try to block us!  This morning she actually tried kicking Tony's hand away!

Pregnancy Scare Part 2--We Still Don't Know!

Wednesday night I had gone to bed feeling pretty good!  My pain was down to a 2 or 3, but I felt happy.  4:00am rolls around and I am in even more pain than I ever have been in my life!  I say that completely literally!  My number scale, I was definitely at an 8 or a 9!  I was incredibly sick and I was having a hard time keeping anything down.  The part that scared me the most is that during all of this I couldn't and didn't feel our little Emma move!  It broke my heart, I thought I had lost her!

We, again, got my Mom and she and my husband took me to the ER.  I'm not going to lie, because of the pain I was in I don't remember much of what happened, so I will just recall what I can!

I was taken into the ER and when they found out I was pregnant they took me in to labor and delivery.  Before they took me in to labor and delivery they did a test to listen for Emma's heart.  It took them quite a while to find it and it scared me so badly!  In that moment I didn't care what happened to me, so long as my Emma was safe!  They finally found her and her heartbeat sounded normal.  My fear settled a little bit after that.

When they took me back to labor and delivery I felt completely terrified!  I just remember praying that Emma would be okay and that I would be okay.  I, again, had never experienced pain like this before and I didn't quite know how to handle it.  They wheeled me into a delivery room and immediately started hooking IV's up to me and this interesting machine that allowed us to listen to Emma's heartbeat constantly.

They asked me the same questions that my doctor the day before had and I'll be totally honest, I don't remember actually answering any of them!  I do remember that they took my blood, again, and had me give another urine sample.  Because of the intense pain I continued to throw-up for a few minutes.  They ended up giving me morphine and it calmed me down quite a bit.

The doctor ordered an ultrasound so they could check on my kidneys, liver, and ovaries.  They wheeled me in to another room and I didn't watch any of the ultrasound.  Not because I wasn't interested, but because I was incredibly out of it!  My legs were shaking so intensely because of the morphine and I was just in a little bit of shock.

Just like the previous day all of the blood tests and urine test had come back completely normal.  Here was the only thing that was different:  the doctor found a cyst on my left ovary.  It is about 4cm.  When he told me this, my heart dropped.  The fear I had been feeling before came back ten-fold!  I didn't know a lot about cysts at the time, but I was genuinely afraid that this would hurt Emma and that Tony and I would not be able to have children again after this.

Tony had asked if the cyst had caused an ovarian torsion.  The doctor said that the ultrasound showed blood flow going in and out of the ovary, so he didn't think it was a torsion, but he didn't want to rule out that the cyst could be the cause of the pain.

After we had been there for a few hours I was done!  My sweet and incredible husband was so wonderful!  He would hold my hand, kiss my forehead, and tell me that I was doing a great job and that he was proud of me!  At about 9:00am I told him I was done!  I wanted to go home, I didn't think I could do this anymore and I just wanted it to be over!  We didn't get to leave until about 10:00am.

The doctor recommended going to my OB in Provo to get another opinion.  I love my doctors there!  I had a new one yesterday, Dr. Broberg!  The entire staff there is absolutely incredible!  We called in and they were able to get us in at 3:30pm that day!  As soon as we got there they took me to a spare room where they had an incredibly comfy chair!  They got me water and made sure that I was taken care of!  They then transferred me to a different room where I was examined by Dr. Broberg.

I told him everything that happened and what the other doctors said.  He was completely honest and said he wasn't 100% sure of what it was, but he believed it was probably the strained ligament.  He listened to our Emma's heart again (my Mom was loving how often she was getting to hear Emma's heartbeat, but not so much the circumstances) and she still sounded great!  He poked me and pushed me, and then gave me advice on what to do: REST!!!  I'm not very good at that, but I've been doing my best.

Now, I know this story is long and very jumbled (hooray for pain meds), but I have learned a lot these last couple of days and I just wanted to share them with you:

• God is completely and totally aware of our situations!  Tony gave me at least three blessings during these past couple of days and in every single one Heavenly Father reminded me that He is there for me.  He blessed me with peace and the knowledge that everything would be okay!  And, at one point, He even took my pain away completely!
• I never thought I would experience love like this!  I experienced it two ways these past couple of days.  The first being my loving and incredibly husband, Tony as well as my Mom!  They were by my side through it all and were/are such a comfort to me!  I never thought I would experience love like this, in fact if you had asked me a little over a year ago I would have told you that I was probably never going to have this kind of relationship!  Tony gave up so much just to hold my hand and comfort me, to kiss my cheek and tell me that everything was going to be okay, to get up at 3:00 and even 4:00am to help me when I was sick!
  The other love I experienced was for my little girl!  It had never been more real to me than yesterday that I am going to be a mother!  When the possibility that my little girl was in danger I was ready, and willing, to do anything to help her!  I wasn't prepared for it, but I realized just how deeply I love our little Emma!  I love her so much and I am so excited to finally meet her in April!
• Support systems are crazy important!  I want to thank you all, those who read this and those who don't, for your prayers, encouraging thoughts, and service that you've given me these last few days!  Even when you have shared your experiences with me, it has helped me a great deal!  Knowing that what I am going through is normal, though difficult, has been a huge blessing and tender mercy for me!  Thank you all so much for everything you have done and continue to do!  I love you guys!

I apologize this is so long, it was really more for me to keep record of what happened (welcome to how I journal when my wrists are struggling).  As much as I don't want this to happen again, I don't want to forget anything that happened either!

Pregnancy Scare Part 1--Is it a Kidney Stone?

I wanted to record what has happened over the last couple of days to me and how my testimony has grown because of it (the testimony will primarily be in Part 2).

It all started January 5th at about 3:30pm.  This whole pregnancy I had experienced pain/discomfort in my left hip, but not like this.  I decided that I would go lay down and take some Tylenol to see if that helped at all.

It did . . . at least a little bit.

My husband, Tony, was going to donate plasma for the first time and I didn't want him driving the 24+ miles back by himself after doing something like that (he had a pretty negative experience with donating blood).  So, I told him that I would come with him.  He drove down there and the longer we drove the more uncomfortable I felt.  The discomfort turned into pain within twenty minutes and I could hardly keep my eyes open.

I was like this for the last ten or fifteen minutes of the ride.  Tony asked what he could do, I asked if I could get a blessing.  In the blessing I was told that my pain would "subside until you have the chance to lay down".  It didn't go away until I started walking into the plasma center with Tony.  We were there for about four hours and I didn't feel any pain; I felt discomfort, but no pain.

We finally got home and I went to lay down and the pain came back.  I immediately took some Tylenol and said a prayer that this would all go away!  I, surprisingly, fell asleep rather quickly.  It was probably around 11:00pm when I actually fell asleep.

At 3:00am everything changed.

I woke up to some of the most intense pain I had experienced thus far.  I woke Tony up and told him what was wrong.  The pain had spread from my left hip to across my lower abdomen and up into my rib cage (all on the front and side on my left; there was no pain in my back).  We figured it had been a while since I had taken any Tylenol so it was safe to take more.  I was in tears!  I was scared because I didn't know what this was, I was worried about Emma, and I was just in a lot of pain!

I fell back asleep, I think it was mostly because I was crying so much.  I woke up again around 5:00am with the exact same thing.  This time the pain was bad enough that I had actually started feeling nauseous and getting sick.  Tony ran upstairs and grabbed my Mom and she got a hold of one of our family friends who is a doctor and set up an appointment.

Mom took me to my appointment where we had a lot of different lab tests done: urine and blood.  The doctor asked me a lot of questions about what I was experiencing, pushed on my abdomen and tailbone, and then we listened to my sweet Emma's heart beat!  My Mom had never heard her heartbeat, so she was pretty excited to hear it!  The doctor talked us through his thought process--which I greatly appreciated--and gave us a few options of what it could be:

1. It could be a kidney stone/kidney infection.  But, in the urine there was no blood so that was a very unlikely option, or
2. It could be a strained ligament that runs from my rib to my groin area.

He felt like the second option was more likely what it was.  He gave me a prescription for some pain medicine and sent us on our way.  He was a total life saver that day!  He squeezed us in at the last moment and made us a top priority that day!  I am so grateful for doctors like him who really make his patients feel like they are taken care of.

I got home and started taking medicine, resting, and drinking lots of fluids!  The rest of the day I was feeling pretty good!  It hurt to move too much, but overall my pain level had gone back down to a 2 (on a scale of 1-10) when earlier it had easily been at a 6!  It made me really excited to think I was healing; I thought that it may have been just a one day thing.

Sadly, it was not...

LDS Superbowl Weekend!!

I love General Conference!!  The talks are always so inspiring and uplifting; they help me feel directed in how I can be a better person.  There were several talks that really stood out to me and gave me a "Coming to Sarah" feel.  "Coming to Sarah" is something a wise friend taught me; sometimes you are so involved with the world that you start to lose yourself in it, and I don't mean that in a good way.  You start to try and change yourself so that you can fit in, so that you are like everybody else in the world instead of being you!  Oscar Wilde once said, "Be yourself, everyone else is already taken."  That is what "Coming to Sarah" is about.

The first talk that really struck me was President Dieter F. Uchtdorf.  I have always jived with his talks ever since I first heard him speak, so it is no wonder that his talk is one of the ones that is prompting me to "come to Sarah".  He mentioned a scripture in Alma 5:26 that says:
". . . if ye have experienced a change of heart . . . I would ask, can ye feel so now?"
I want to add something right here, a "change of heart" does not only happen once.  It is an ongoing process, a constant conversion.  But how many times to do stop ourselves from changing?  Maybe it isn't an intentional thing, but often times we stop ourselves from changing.  If you feel that there needs to be a change in your life, allow it to happen.  That being said, you must allow others to change as well!  You holding grudges against a person, you treating a person the same way because of something they did in the past, that is stopping their ability to change!
In the well known and loved book/musical Les Miserables there is a character, Jean Valjean, who is imprisoned because he broke into a house to steal a loaf of bread.  One of the police inspectors, Javert, has his heart set on keeping Valjean in prison.  Javert hunts Valjean after he is let out on parole and disappears.  When he finally finds him there is an incredible number performed called The Confrontation.  One of the things that Javert continuously says to Valjean is that "a man like you can never change."  Fortunately Valjean doesn't let this stop him from changing himself, but how often does the judgment of others stop people from moving forward.  Allow yourself as well as others to change!

The next two talks kind of go together.  The first is from Elder Jeffrey R. Holland and the second is from Elder Russell M. Nelson.  I genuinely am not sure how to summarize what these incredible men said.  But I will tell you this much, they share their powerful testimony on the sanctity of womanhood, being a mother, daughter, sister, and wife.  Elder Holland speaks about the divinity of maternal love.  Both of these talks my thoughts switched back and forth between my own mother and what kind of mother I want to be.  Women everywhere, whether a member or not, these are talks that are designed to uplift and edify you!  I invite you to listen and pay attention to what/how you feel!  God is aware of you and He loves you very much!

The final talk is from Elder David A. Bednar.  He mentioned six of the brethren who have passed away since he had been called as an apostle:  President James E. Faust, President Gordon B. Hinckley, Elder Joseph B. Worthlin, Elder L. Tom Perry, President Boyd K. Packer, and Elder Richard G. Scott.
He took words from their final General Conference talks and shared them with the congregation and I have to say that it was so touching!  I could feel my heart swell as I remembered each of these sweet and powerful men share their final testimonies.  After sharing these Elder Bednar shared the scripture, "Whether by [the Lord's] voice or the voice of my servants, it is the same." (Doctrine and Covenants 1:38)  These brethren are truly called of God and I am so grateful to have received guidance from my Heavenly Father over these past few days!

I invite you, if you have any questions about anything in your life, if you wish to receive guidance listen to the voice of the Lord through his servants.  They are truly called of God.  I am grateful for the uplifting and strengthening words that I felt this weekend and for the opportunity I now have to change and become more like my Heavenly Father.

A Mother's Thoughts on #ShoutYourAbortion

Sept. 22, 2015 4:38am

            I wasn’t completely asleep, but I had a horrible, “nightmarish vision”.  Tony and I were driving and we saw a pregnant woman on the side of the road.  She seemed to be in pain and need help.  We pulled over and asked her if we could take her wherever she needed to go.  She told us that she needed to go to the hospital.  Tony started driving to the nearest hospital.  The woman in the back of our car started to explain that she had had an abortion the day before and something had gone wrong.  My heart sank (*note—yesterday I saw things like #ShoutYourAbortion and a very powerful talk about a young lady who had survived an abortion) as I thought about what was happening to this woman’s child as well as to herself.

            We arrived at the hospital and tried to make sure that she was taken care of.  Before we could leave, the doctor came and asked me to come to the back.  I assumed it was because the woman wanted help or something.  He took me back and I don’t completely understand what happened next.  All I knew was that I was given something and he announced to the entire room (it was only he and I in there) that he had killed our girl, our little Emma.

            I “woke up”, if you could call it that, and felt a wave of anger, pain, and then overwhelming sadness as I recounted the dream to Tony.  I have only ever been pregnant once, as far as I know, and I wouldn’t give it up for anything!  It has been hard!  There have been days when I could hardly move, where I have felt sick to my stomach and have prayed for strength to just make it through the hour.  But never has the thought of killing this beautiful child currently growing inside of me crossed my mind.

            I don’t understand and, to be honest I don’t really want to!  You can call it “innocence”, “arrogance”, whatever you like I don’t really care.  But this is what I do know, “the worth of souls is great in the eyes of God.”.  As soon as you conceive there is a small part of Heaven inside of you.  That is not your child alone, but also our Heavenly Father’s.  He is kind enough to let you raise one of His own in this world that is constantly getting darker and darker.  That sweet and precious soul, that piece of light, is there and nobody on this earth has a right to terminate that precious soul!

            My heart has been aching for my friends who want, more than anything, to start a family of their own, and I watch as women are now praising their abortion over the internet; I don’t think those women understand how lucky they are to have the blessing of carrying a child.  So many women in the world cannot have a child, and it isn’t by choice!  Yet it is their “right” to have an abortion?

            ”Women’s rights” have gone too far!  I’m grateful for the women who fought so that I could have a say in my country!  I’m grateful that I am able to hold a full-time job and receive the same benefits and pay as any man in the same occupation.  But when a woman comes out and says that “it is my body and I can do what I want” it is completely false, especially when it comes to abortion.  That is not your body; if it were you, you would be aborting yourself.  That is a separate body and they have the right to live!

The definition of “rights” is no longer what the Founding Fathers intended it to be:

Right: In morals and religion, just; equitable; accordant to the standard of truth and justice or the will of God. That alone is right in the sight of God, which is consonant to his will or law; this being the only perfect standard of truth and justice. In social and political affairs, that is right which is consonant to the laws and customs of a country, provided these laws and customs are not repugnant to the laws of God. A man's intentions may be right though his actions may be wrong in consequence of a defect in judgment. (Webster’s 1828 Dictionary . . . before the saying was manipulated into “selfish wants” and “what is going to benefit me now”)

            I know that the Family is ordained of God.  In 1995 President Gordon B. Hinckley stood up in the General Relief Society Meeting and gave, what is now known, as  "The Family: A Proclamation to the World".  I encourage and invite each of you to read it.  This proclamation was not just to those in attendance or members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, but to the world.  You are a part of it; you should know what it says!   

“WE WARN that individuals who violate covenants of chastity, who abuse spouse or offspring, or who fail to fulfill family responsibilities will one day stand accountable before God. Further, we warn that the disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets.

WE CALL UPON responsible citizens and officers of government everywhere to promote those measures designed to maintain and strengthen the family as the fundamental unit of society.”

            I bare my witness that God is aware of everybody (unborn children included) in whatever circumstance they may be in.  He loves you!  I echo the invitation to read words from God Himself, through His servant President Gordon B. Hinckley, about the importance of family.  I am grateful for my little “grape” that is currently growing inside of me.  I am grateful for the opportunity that God is giving me and my husband to raise one of His children.  I love him or her with all of my heart!  In the name of Jesus Christ, our Savior and Redeemer, amen.