Who Am I? Not 24601!!

Yes, I did just quote Les Mis! The last couple of days have been neat! Over the three-day weekend I was in a few situations that really made me ask about who I am. Now, don't get me wrong, I know who I am. I am Sarah! However, I really wanted to know who I am and what my character is!

As I pondered this more and more I've come up with several different things that I would like to be!

1. I would like to be kind to everybody!! Now, I know that I'm kind to a lot of people--I would even say most--but I know that I could be kinder. There have been times when I've said some things when people weren't around . . . yes, gossiping! I don't want to be like that! I try not to do it, but I know I have done it! I don't want people to ever think that they need to be careful when they are around me or that they can't tell me things! I want to be trusted!
2. I would like to be in tune with the Spirit always!! There have been several times in the past few days that I have been in situations where I've really needed to be guided by the Spirit. Fortunately I was able to have the Spirit with me at that time; but it really made me think. I want to live in a way that I will have the Spirit with me always! I don't ever want to risk somebody coming to me for help and me not being able to do so. I want to help give them the divine help that they need when I'm called upon to do it.
3. I would like to be "never changing"!! Alright, so this one needs a little explaining. I have noticed that when I'm around certain people I act differently than I normally do. I don't want to be like that; I shouldn't be like that! I know why I do it; because I want to be liked by those people. But what makes me think they won't like me if I'm not like that? That's a good question that I don't really know the answer to! But, I want to be me always; never changing!!
4. I would like to be confident!! I'm getting better at this one--and it kind of ties in to #3, but whatever--but I know that it'll take some more time. This doesn't just apply when I'm around people, but when it comes to singing, acting on an impression, etc. I want everything I do to be confident (even when I answer a question incorrectly, I want to answer it confidently).
5. I would like to reflect how I feel about myself on the outside!! I've learned so much about what true beauty is. I've learned so much about where my beauty is and that I am beautiful! I feel that on the inside, truly I do. However, there are times in my life where I don't really reflect it on the outside. I feel that if I reflect how I feel about myself on the outside then, then people could leave after talking to me and feel beautiful themselves. I know, that sounds really "hippie" but that's really what I think.

I know that these are five, kind of random, things to want to be! As I've been thinking about it, I just want to be the best daughter of God that I can be so that I can help others remember who they are! I don't think I can truly help people understand and know who they are if I don't first know who I am! It's kind of like when you're flying in a plane and they tell you to place the face mask on yourself before you help others get their masks on. You can't save their lives if you're dead. It's the same thing when it comes to reminding people who they are! You can't remind people who they are if you don't know who you are. Because, lets face it, we all have the same potential: to become gods and goddesses. Anyway, this is just me writing down who I want to be. I feel that if I write it down I'll remember it better. I also believe that when I write down goals I'm more likely to follow through with those goals. So, here's to striving to be better today than I was yesterday!! :)

Wisdom Teeth Scare

Yesterday was quite an emotional day for me. It all started very well though! I went down to Provo with my mother and sister; Deborah was getting her wisdom teeth out in preparation for her mission. Because the office only allowed one relative to be in the waiting room I went over to the HFAC (Harris Fine Arts Center) at BYU and practiced. It was one of the most intimidating things I've ever done in my life! Dang, all of these people are amazing at what they do! It was cool to hear all of the different practicing techniques, but I think that's what intimidated me the most! I knew that I was at a different level--a lower level--than they were. But, it was all good! I had a great practice and I was excited about the things my voice was doing!

After I practiced I began walking up the stairs when I heard music coming from The Slab/Fishbowl. I walked up the stairs and watched as a harpist, cellist, and vocalist performed a small recital! The vocalist sang one of the hardest pieces I've ever heard called "Glitter and Be Gay" from Leonard Bernstein's Candid. She did a very good job, considering the difficulty level! But they all did a fantastic job!

I then left to go pick up my sister and mother; here is where things got really emotional. They wheeled Deborah out in a wheelchair, as she got closer to me I could see her big blue eyes filled with tears. When they opened the sliding door I could hear small sobs; she was in a lot of pain. The nurse and my Mom worked together to get her into the van. Then, my Mom asked if I would be willing to drive so that she could sit in the back with Deborah. I did and it was the worst drive of my life! I could hear Deborah sobbing and she couldn't speak. She was having to finger spell everything. She kept telling us that she loved us and that she was sorry (what she was sorry for, we still don't know). At one point during the drive she said that she couldn't see very well; we attributed that to the medicine they had given her so they could do the surgery. The longer I drove the more she talked about her breathing as well. She was having a hard time and I couldn't stand but accelerate every time she mentioned it (I ended up going about 75 most of the way home instead of the 65). Closer to the end of the drive Deborah got sick.

When we got home she was able to get inside and we lay her on the couch. While Mom went to go get her medicine and I stayed with her and contacted Brother Glissmeyer from my home ward. He, along with another Brother, came over and gave Deborah a Priesthood blessing. Can I just say how grateful I am for these worthy men who were able to come and, through the power of God, bless my sister who was in such pain! At one point, while Mom was gone, Deborah and I were hand in hand. Mom told me to keep an eye on her breathing, so I sat close by her. As we were holding hands she adjusted hers so that we were in position to have a thumb war! Ha, it was nice to see that she could still smile a little bit through her actions while she was in such immense pain.

I'm, again, so grateful for those men who could come and give her a blessing. It was heart-breaking for me to see her like that. Today, she's doing much better! I'm sure the medicine had something to do with it, but I think the Lord is who I really need to thank! My sister is still a little under the weather, but she is so much better than she was yesterday! It was a scare, but it ended up being a huge blessing too.

Feed my Sheep

What an amazing and beautiful Sunday! However, I'm jumping ahead of myself, let me tell you about my weekend! It was A-MA-ZING!!! Because my old roommates (from last year) were visiting we all decided to go to our old ward! We went to Sacrament meeting together and it was awesome! The theme centered around service, but one thing kept standing out to me . . . LOVE! No matter what their subject was they talked about how much God loves His children and He wouldn't want to see us walk past and ignore His children!

Oddly enough, the same subjects were talked about in my ward! I must have needed to hear it or something . . . but there was a sister in my ward that shared a story from Sister Jayne B. Malan's talk in the October 1989 General Conference called "The Summer of the Lambs". In her talk she told a personal story about when she was asked to watch over 350 lambs. "All we had to do was feed them."Sister Malan said. They would also get a part of whatever money their father made when they sold the lambs in the fall. Her (12 years old) and her brother (10 years old) made a mix and put the milk into troughs that they had made. However, these lambs hadn't been taught how to eat out of a trough! They couldn't eat the grass because their bodies wouldn't digest it. Now, with one or two lambs this wouldn't be a problem! All you'd have to do is put it into a bottle and feed it like a baby, right? We're talking 350 lambs!!! No matter how hard they tried to help the lambs they just wouldn't drink out of the troughs.

The lambs started starving to death and the only way they could be sure that the lambs were fed was by picking them up and feeding them like babies. Feeding wasn't the only problem; in their area there were a lot of coyotes that would try to eat the lambs whenever they could. Pretty soon the money was far from the children's mind; all they wanted was to take care and protect the lambs. Sister Malan explained that part of their job was to gather up the dead lambs and bury them. She says:

"It wasn't so bad, until I named one of those lambs.  It was an awkward little thing with a black spot on its nose. It was always under my feet, and it knew my voice. I loved my lamb. It was one I held in my arms and fed with a bottle like a baby. 

One morning my lamb didn’t come when I called. I found it later that day under the willows by the creek. It was dead. With tears streaming down my face, I picked up my lamb and went to find my father. Looking up at him, I said, “Dad, isn’t there someone who can help us feed our lambs?”

After a long moment he said, “Jayne, once a long, long time ago, someone else said almost those same words. He said, ‘Feed my lambs. … Feed my sheep. … Feed my sheep.’” Dad put his arms around me and let me cry for a time, then went with me to bury my lamb."

As the sister in our Ward read this and told us this story my heart broke! I could picture my Savior and Brother, Jesus Christ, speaking to our Heavenly Father. I could see Him watching us, the sheep, passing away and leaving Him. I could see Jesus Christ saying, "Dad, isn't there someone who can help us feed our lambs? Isn't there somebody who can help us bring others unto thee? Isn't there someone who can help us save your children?" As I sat and fought the tears that were starting to form in my eyes I thought to myself "Sarah, do you help Heavenly Father feed His sheep?" After I thought that I had a quote pop into my head from a recent General Conference. The quote was "You are doing better than you think you are, but you can do better." I want to do better and to help feed Heavenly Father's sheep.

Then, in Sunday school, we talked about personal revelation. I had a thought that, in my mind, was really profound! In D&C 9:7-8 it says: "Behold, ye have not understood; you have supposed that I would give it unto you, when you took no thought save it was to ask me. But, behold, I say unto you, that you must study it out in your mind; then you must ask me if it be right, and if it is right I will cause that your bosom shall burn within you; therefore, you shall feel that it is right." The last line of verse seven really stood out to me. I think I finally understood what that line meant. As I read it, I could almost hear somebody saying it in "modern day terms" if you will. I heard "You didn't understand me. You thought that I was just going to give you the answer. You didn't even put in any thought of what you wanted; the only thought you put in was 'maybe I should ask Him!'." I started laughing to myself (I probably shouldn't have, but I totally imagined it in a New York accent). God wants us to be happy, but He wants us to work for what we want too. He isn't just going to give it to us!! I'm grateful for a Heavenly Father who doesn't spoil me too badly! I still have to work for what I want! :D