Better Out Than In

Today Emma is 9 Months old!!  She's been out nearly as long as she was in!  I took some photos today and have just been reflecting on the last nine months and what a ride it has been!  Emma loves to laugh, sing, and even dance!  She is very snuggly, but only when she wants to be.  If I want to snuggle, forget it!  She has to initiate it!

Emma loves food!  When we ask her if she, "Wants more?"  She will sign "please".  She also loves to sign "light".  She is a very smart girl!  We are working on "love" and "thank you".

Emma, thank you for being such a smiley baby.  You aren't always happy (like when you are teething, which you currently are), but you are a majority of the time.  Keep that good spirit little one!  We love you to Kolob and back!

Here's a link for her Nine Month Vlog!!

Weight: 17 lbs. 7.5oz
Height: 27in.

My Thoughts on the Milwaukee Riots

Since I was little I was taught that we are all children of God.  It doesn't matter what your race, job, religion, or sexuality is; you are a child of God.  Your divine heritage has been, and will always be, that you are God's child.  He created you and loves you unconditionally.  My goal is to live in a way that I can return home and live with Him again!  To do that, I must follow His commandments and keep the covenants that I have made with Him, including the commandment to "love one another as I have loved you".

A few years ago I heard about the #BlackLivesMatter movement.  In the beginning I honestly supported the movement!  I felt like they were standing up for something important; there is still racism in the world today and it's something that everybody should fight against and be aware of.  I don't feel like that is what is happening anymore.

I think a majority of the people are still striving to bring to light that racism is real and that it needs to be stopped.  However, I also feel like there is a very loud minority that is taking it into a different direction.

For those of you that haven't heard about the Milwaukee Riots, here is a link.  A very short version: an armed black man was shot, and killed, by a black police officer after he refused to drop his weapon.  Shortly thereafter riots broke out where two cop cars were destroyed/burned, six businesses were burned down (gas stations, banks, etc), and there was a call to attack any white person they saw on the street (this was the video that I saw on Facebook this morning about these riots in Milwaukee.).

This is not okay.

These riots don't solve any problems!  The Black Lives Matter movement is meant to be about being treated equally.  But how are some of the minority treating everybody?  They are throwing bricks at them, beating them on the street, and hunting them because they are not black.  Where is the equality in that?  If anything, I feel like it's hypocrisy.

The police officer in Milwaukee did what needed to be done to help keep others safe.  It had nothing to do with the fact that the man was black (remember that the police officer that shot him is black as well)!  It was about protecting people and making sure that the neighborhood was safe.  Racism had nothing to do with it!

On the Black Lives Matter page, under the Guiding Principles--Restorative Justice it states:

"We are committed to collectively, lovingly and courageously working vigorously for freedom and justice for Black people and, by extension all people. As we forge our path, we intentionally build and nurture a beloved community that is bonded together through a beautiful struggle that is restorative, not depleting."

I'm sorry, but that is not done with riots!  That is not "lovingly", and is not a way to fight for freedom for "all people".  When the phrase "all people" is used, it means all people!  Whether you are Black, White, Asian, Christian, Muslim, etc.  The extremists all over the US, for the past few months, have forgotten that!  It has become "Only Black Lives Matter" to them, and again, that is not okay.  All lives truly do matter!  Your skin color does not make you better or less than anybody else!

On July 4, 1776 a document for our Nation was signed; it says:

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness."

The principles Declaration of Independence are what this country is built on.  Movements like the Black Lives Matter movement is creating a Civil War where it isn't Black vs. White, it is American vs. American.  We are a United States!  If we truly "hold these truths to be self-evident", then I think we would do well to remember that all men are created equal; all lives matter.

A Mother's Day to Remember!!

On May 5, 2016 I was scheduled to go in to the hospital to start the induction process.  I will be totally honest, I was terrified!  At the same time I was excited!  We had waited a little over nine months to see our little girl, but I was really scared about the pain.

We checked in at 9:30pm and then started the process around 11:30pm.  Because my cervix had been at 1.5cm and 80% effaced for the last few weeks they gave me cytotec to help with the dilation and to start contractions.  After the first two hours it had helped with contractions, but I hadn't changed dilation/effacement.  So, they gave me some more . . . and that is where everything started!

At 5:30am I was in such pain from the contractions I decided to get the epidural then (I hadn't really slept at all, and I knew I would need it).  They checked me again before the epidural and I was 7cm and 100% effaced.  The anesthesiologist came in to give me the epidural, I hated it!  It hurt so badly to put it in I wondered if it would be worth it (*side note: it totally was)!  Tony and I both were able to get a few hours of sleep after that.

By the time I had fully dilated it was around 10am.  The epidural made me shake really badly, like an intense shiver.  I don't remember being cold, but I may have been.  Another funny note about the epidural, I didn't understand that it was a constant flow.  I thought it was a single dose and then I controlled when I received more.  So, whenever I started feeling something I would push the button.  I only pushed it three times, but it made my arms and torso extremely weak.  So I couldn't move; I would try to use my arms to sit up a little bit, but I couldn't. Emma's head wasn't down really low, so they decided to push off the pushing process and we tried to get her head a little lower so I wouldn't have to push so long.  All I did was lay there with what the nurse called a "peanut pillow" in between my knees for two hours. By 12:15 we decided to start the pushing process.  I did four sets of three pushes before the nurse told me to stop.  The doctor hadn't arrived yet, so we needed to wait a few minutes before he got there.

Once the doctor got there I only had to push a few times before Emma was born!  At 1:08, Emma was born!  The nurse and doctor were surprised by how quickly the pushing went.  It took about 40 minutes, and I wasn't pushing that entire time.  But I think because it went so fast I had some pretty bad tearing.

Emma's APGAR scores were incredible though!  Normally the first score is low because they haven't pinked up yet and other factors.  Emma was an 8 and then a 9!!

Emma JoAnn
Born May 6 @ 1:08
Weight: 8 lbs. 5 oz.
Height: 20 1/2 inches

I am so in love with this little girl!  She already has Tony wrapped around his finger.  We left the hospital on Mother's Day, my first one as a Mother!  She already has a lot of personality!  She sleeps A LOT (and I'm not complaining).  Feeding her was difficult at first because we couldn't get her to stay awake.  That is still a problem sometimes, but she is eating much better!

It has been a few days and we just continue to love her!  She makes hilarious faces and loves to cuddle!  One of these days I'll get pictures of her silly faces!  But here are some pictures I have so far:

Emma has really long and sharp nails.  When she was first born, she grabbed the left
side of her face.  Her eye lid is still a little bruised.

Happy Mother's Day!  This was Emma's going home outfit!

My Shuck family and the hospital gave me some flowers!
They are so pretty!

I just love how she curls up with Tony!

Emma sleeping!

All pregnancy I hadn't really had swollen feet unless I had been on them all day.
This was 5 days after giving birth.  I look like I have elephantiasis!

Emma hates having her diaper changed.  Whenever we go to check her diaper she'll pull her
legs up and try to block us!  This morning she actually tried kicking Tony's hand away!

Pregnancy Scare Part 2--We Still Don't Know!

Wednesday night I had gone to bed feeling pretty good!  My pain was down to a 2 or 3, but I felt happy.  4:00am rolls around and I am in even more pain than I ever have been in my life!  I say that completely literally!  My number scale, I was definitely at an 8 or a 9!  I was incredibly sick and I was having a hard time keeping anything down.  The part that scared me the most is that during all of this I couldn't and didn't feel our little Emma move!  It broke my heart, I thought I had lost her!

We, again, got my Mom and she and my husband took me to the ER.  I'm not going to lie, because of the pain I was in I don't remember much of what happened, so I will just recall what I can!

I was taken into the ER and when they found out I was pregnant they took me in to labor and delivery.  Before they took me in to labor and delivery they did a test to listen for Emma's heart.  It took them quite a while to find it and it scared me so badly!  In that moment I didn't care what happened to me, so long as my Emma was safe!  They finally found her and her heartbeat sounded normal.  My fear settled a little bit after that.

When they took me back to labor and delivery I felt completely terrified!  I just remember praying that Emma would be okay and that I would be okay.  I, again, had never experienced pain like this before and I didn't quite know how to handle it.  They wheeled me into a delivery room and immediately started hooking IV's up to me and this interesting machine that allowed us to listen to Emma's heartbeat constantly.

They asked me the same questions that my doctor the day before had and I'll be totally honest, I don't remember actually answering any of them!  I do remember that they took my blood, again, and had me give another urine sample.  Because of the intense pain I continued to throw-up for a few minutes.  They ended up giving me morphine and it calmed me down quite a bit.

The doctor ordered an ultrasound so they could check on my kidneys, liver, and ovaries.  They wheeled me in to another room and I didn't watch any of the ultrasound.  Not because I wasn't interested, but because I was incredibly out of it!  My legs were shaking so intensely because of the morphine and I was just in a little bit of shock.

Just like the previous day all of the blood tests and urine test had come back completely normal.  Here was the only thing that was different:  the doctor found a cyst on my left ovary.  It is about 4cm.  When he told me this, my heart dropped.  The fear I had been feeling before came back ten-fold!  I didn't know a lot about cysts at the time, but I was genuinely afraid that this would hurt Emma and that Tony and I would not be able to have children again after this.

Tony had asked if the cyst had caused an ovarian torsion.  The doctor said that the ultrasound showed blood flow going in and out of the ovary, so he didn't think it was a torsion, but he didn't want to rule out that the cyst could be the cause of the pain.

After we had been there for a few hours I was done!  My sweet and incredible husband was so wonderful!  He would hold my hand, kiss my forehead, and tell me that I was doing a great job and that he was proud of me!  At about 9:00am I told him I was done!  I wanted to go home, I didn't think I could do this anymore and I just wanted it to be over!  We didn't get to leave until about 10:00am.

The doctor recommended going to my OB in Provo to get another opinion.  I love my doctors there!  I had a new one yesterday, Dr. Broberg!  The entire staff there is absolutely incredible!  We called in and they were able to get us in at 3:30pm that day!  As soon as we got there they took me to a spare room where they had an incredibly comfy chair!  They got me water and made sure that I was taken care of!  They then transferred me to a different room where I was examined by Dr. Broberg.

I told him everything that happened and what the other doctors said.  He was completely honest and said he wasn't 100% sure of what it was, but he believed it was probably the strained ligament.  He listened to our Emma's heart again (my Mom was loving how often she was getting to hear Emma's heartbeat, but not so much the circumstances) and she still sounded great!  He poked me and pushed me, and then gave me advice on what to do: REST!!!  I'm not very good at that, but I've been doing my best.

Now, I know this story is long and very jumbled (hooray for pain meds), but I have learned a lot these last couple of days and I just wanted to share them with you:

• God is completely and totally aware of our situations!  Tony gave me at least three blessings during these past couple of days and in every single one Heavenly Father reminded me that He is there for me.  He blessed me with peace and the knowledge that everything would be okay!  And, at one point, He even took my pain away completely!
• I never thought I would experience love like this!  I experienced it two ways these past couple of days.  The first being my loving and incredibly husband, Tony as well as my Mom!  They were by my side through it all and were/are such a comfort to me!  I never thought I would experience love like this, in fact if you had asked me a little over a year ago I would have told you that I was probably never going to have this kind of relationship!  Tony gave up so much just to hold my hand and comfort me, to kiss my cheek and tell me that everything was going to be okay, to get up at 3:00 and even 4:00am to help me when I was sick!
  The other love I experienced was for my little girl!  It had never been more real to me than yesterday that I am going to be a mother!  When the possibility that my little girl was in danger I was ready, and willing, to do anything to help her!  I wasn't prepared for it, but I realized just how deeply I love our little Emma!  I love her so much and I am so excited to finally meet her in April!
• Support systems are crazy important!  I want to thank you all, those who read this and those who don't, for your prayers, encouraging thoughts, and service that you've given me these last few days!  Even when you have shared your experiences with me, it has helped me a great deal!  Knowing that what I am going through is normal, though difficult, has been a huge blessing and tender mercy for me!  Thank you all so much for everything you have done and continue to do!  I love you guys!

I apologize this is so long, it was really more for me to keep record of what happened (welcome to how I journal when my wrists are struggling).  As much as I don't want this to happen again, I don't want to forget anything that happened either!

Pregnancy Scare Part 1--Is it a Kidney Stone?

I wanted to record what has happened over the last couple of days to me and how my testimony has grown because of it (the testimony will primarily be in Part 2).

It all started January 5th at about 3:30pm.  This whole pregnancy I had experienced pain/discomfort in my left hip, but not like this.  I decided that I would go lay down and take some Tylenol to see if that helped at all.

It did . . . at least a little bit.

My husband, Tony, was going to donate plasma for the first time and I didn't want him driving the 24+ miles back by himself after doing something like that (he had a pretty negative experience with donating blood).  So, I told him that I would come with him.  He drove down there and the longer we drove the more uncomfortable I felt.  The discomfort turned into pain within twenty minutes and I could hardly keep my eyes open.

I was like this for the last ten or fifteen minutes of the ride.  Tony asked what he could do, I asked if I could get a blessing.  In the blessing I was told that my pain would "subside until you have the chance to lay down".  It didn't go away until I started walking into the plasma center with Tony.  We were there for about four hours and I didn't feel any pain; I felt discomfort, but no pain.

We finally got home and I went to lay down and the pain came back.  I immediately took some Tylenol and said a prayer that this would all go away!  I, surprisingly, fell asleep rather quickly.  It was probably around 11:00pm when I actually fell asleep.

At 3:00am everything changed.

I woke up to some of the most intense pain I had experienced thus far.  I woke Tony up and told him what was wrong.  The pain had spread from my left hip to across my lower abdomen and up into my rib cage (all on the front and side on my left; there was no pain in my back).  We figured it had been a while since I had taken any Tylenol so it was safe to take more.  I was in tears!  I was scared because I didn't know what this was, I was worried about Emma, and I was just in a lot of pain!

I fell back asleep, I think it was mostly because I was crying so much.  I woke up again around 5:00am with the exact same thing.  This time the pain was bad enough that I had actually started feeling nauseous and getting sick.  Tony ran upstairs and grabbed my Mom and she got a hold of one of our family friends who is a doctor and set up an appointment.

Mom took me to my appointment where we had a lot of different lab tests done: urine and blood.  The doctor asked me a lot of questions about what I was experiencing, pushed on my abdomen and tailbone, and then we listened to my sweet Emma's heart beat!  My Mom had never heard her heartbeat, so she was pretty excited to hear it!  The doctor talked us through his thought process--which I greatly appreciated--and gave us a few options of what it could be:

1. It could be a kidney stone/kidney infection.  But, in the urine there was no blood so that was a very unlikely option, or
2. It could be a strained ligament that runs from my rib to my groin area.

He felt like the second option was more likely what it was.  He gave me a prescription for some pain medicine and sent us on our way.  He was a total life saver that day!  He squeezed us in at the last moment and made us a top priority that day!  I am so grateful for doctors like him who really make his patients feel like they are taken care of.

I got home and started taking medicine, resting, and drinking lots of fluids!  The rest of the day I was feeling pretty good!  It hurt to move too much, but overall my pain level had gone back down to a 2 (on a scale of 1-10) when earlier it had easily been at a 6!  It made me really excited to think I was healing; I thought that it may have been just a one day thing.

Sadly, it was not...

LDS Superbowl Weekend!!

I love General Conference!!  The talks are always so inspiring and uplifting; they help me feel directed in how I can be a better person.  There were several talks that really stood out to me and gave me a "Coming to Sarah" feel.  "Coming to Sarah" is something a wise friend taught me; sometimes you are so involved with the world that you start to lose yourself in it, and I don't mean that in a good way.  You start to try and change yourself so that you can fit in, so that you are like everybody else in the world instead of being you!  Oscar Wilde once said, "Be yourself, everyone else is already taken."  That is what "Coming to Sarah" is about.

The first talk that really struck me was President Dieter F. Uchtdorf.  I have always jived with his talks ever since I first heard him speak, so it is no wonder that his talk is one of the ones that is prompting me to "come to Sarah".  He mentioned a scripture in Alma 5:26 that says:
". . . if ye have experienced a change of heart . . . I would ask, can ye feel so now?"
I want to add something right here, a "change of heart" does not only happen once.  It is an ongoing process, a constant conversion.  But how many times to do stop ourselves from changing?  Maybe it isn't an intentional thing, but often times we stop ourselves from changing.  If you feel that there needs to be a change in your life, allow it to happen.  That being said, you must allow others to change as well!  You holding grudges against a person, you treating a person the same way because of something they did in the past, that is stopping their ability to change!
In the well known and loved book/musical Les Miserables there is a character, Jean Valjean, who is imprisoned because he broke into a house to steal a loaf of bread.  One of the police inspectors, Javert, has his heart set on keeping Valjean in prison.  Javert hunts Valjean after he is let out on parole and disappears.  When he finally finds him there is an incredible number performed called The Confrontation.  One of the things that Javert continuously says to Valjean is that "a man like you can never change."  Fortunately Valjean doesn't let this stop him from changing himself, but how often does the judgment of others stop people from moving forward.  Allow yourself as well as others to change!

The next two talks kind of go together.  The first is from Elder Jeffrey R. Holland and the second is from Elder Russell M. Nelson.  I genuinely am not sure how to summarize what these incredible men said.  But I will tell you this much, they share their powerful testimony on the sanctity of womanhood, being a mother, daughter, sister, and wife.  Elder Holland speaks about the divinity of maternal love.  Both of these talks my thoughts switched back and forth between my own mother and what kind of mother I want to be.  Women everywhere, whether a member or not, these are talks that are designed to uplift and edify you!  I invite you to listen and pay attention to what/how you feel!  God is aware of you and He loves you very much!

The final talk is from Elder David A. Bednar.  He mentioned six of the brethren who have passed away since he had been called as an apostle:  President James E. Faust, President Gordon B. Hinckley, Elder Joseph B. Worthlin, Elder L. Tom Perry, President Boyd K. Packer, and Elder Richard G. Scott.
He took words from their final General Conference talks and shared them with the congregation and I have to say that it was so touching!  I could feel my heart swell as I remembered each of these sweet and powerful men share their final testimonies.  After sharing these Elder Bednar shared the scripture, "Whether by [the Lord's] voice or the voice of my servants, it is the same." (Doctrine and Covenants 1:38)  These brethren are truly called of God and I am so grateful to have received guidance from my Heavenly Father over these past few days!

I invite you, if you have any questions about anything in your life, if you wish to receive guidance listen to the voice of the Lord through his servants.  They are truly called of God.  I am grateful for the uplifting and strengthening words that I felt this weekend and for the opportunity I now have to change and become more like my Heavenly Father.

A Mother's Thoughts on #ShoutYourAbortion

Sept. 22, 2015 4:38am

            I wasn’t completely asleep, but I had a horrible, “nightmarish vision”.  Tony and I were driving and we saw a pregnant woman on the side of the road.  She seemed to be in pain and need help.  We pulled over and asked her if we could take her wherever she needed to go.  She told us that she needed to go to the hospital.  Tony started driving to the nearest hospital.  The woman in the back of our car started to explain that she had had an abortion the day before and something had gone wrong.  My heart sank (*note—yesterday I saw things like #ShoutYourAbortion and a very powerful talk about a young lady who had survived an abortion) as I thought about what was happening to this woman’s child as well as to herself.

            We arrived at the hospital and tried to make sure that she was taken care of.  Before we could leave, the doctor came and asked me to come to the back.  I assumed it was because the woman wanted help or something.  He took me back and I don’t completely understand what happened next.  All I knew was that I was given something and he announced to the entire room (it was only he and I in there) that he had killed our girl, our little Emma.

            I “woke up”, if you could call it that, and felt a wave of anger, pain, and then overwhelming sadness as I recounted the dream to Tony.  I have only ever been pregnant once, as far as I know, and I wouldn’t give it up for anything!  It has been hard!  There have been days when I could hardly move, where I have felt sick to my stomach and have prayed for strength to just make it through the hour.  But never has the thought of killing this beautiful child currently growing inside of me crossed my mind.

            I don’t understand and, to be honest I don’t really want to!  You can call it “innocence”, “arrogance”, whatever you like I don’t really care.  But this is what I do know, “the worth of souls is great in the eyes of God.”.  As soon as you conceive there is a small part of Heaven inside of you.  That is not your child alone, but also our Heavenly Father’s.  He is kind enough to let you raise one of His own in this world that is constantly getting darker and darker.  That sweet and precious soul, that piece of light, is there and nobody on this earth has a right to terminate that precious soul!

            My heart has been aching for my friends who want, more than anything, to start a family of their own, and I watch as women are now praising their abortion over the internet; I don’t think those women understand how lucky they are to have the blessing of carrying a child.  So many women in the world cannot have a child, and it isn’t by choice!  Yet it is their “right” to have an abortion?

            ”Women’s rights” have gone too far!  I’m grateful for the women who fought so that I could have a say in my country!  I’m grateful that I am able to hold a full-time job and receive the same benefits and pay as any man in the same occupation.  But when a woman comes out and says that “it is my body and I can do what I want” it is completely false, especially when it comes to abortion.  That is not your body; if it were you, you would be aborting yourself.  That is a separate body and they have the right to live!

The definition of “rights” is no longer what the Founding Fathers intended it to be:

Right: In morals and religion, just; equitable; accordant to the standard of truth and justice or the will of God. That alone is right in the sight of God, which is consonant to his will or law; this being the only perfect standard of truth and justice. In social and political affairs, that is right which is consonant to the laws and customs of a country, provided these laws and customs are not repugnant to the laws of God. A man's intentions may be right though his actions may be wrong in consequence of a defect in judgment. (Webster’s 1828 Dictionary . . . before the saying was manipulated into “selfish wants” and “what is going to benefit me now”)

            I know that the Family is ordained of God.  In 1995 President Gordon B. Hinckley stood up in the General Relief Society Meeting and gave, what is now known, as  "The Family: A Proclamation to the World".  I encourage and invite each of you to read it.  This proclamation was not just to those in attendance or members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, but to the world.  You are a part of it; you should know what it says!   

“WE WARN that individuals who violate covenants of chastity, who abuse spouse or offspring, or who fail to fulfill family responsibilities will one day stand accountable before God. Further, we warn that the disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets.

WE CALL UPON responsible citizens and officers of government everywhere to promote those measures designed to maintain and strengthen the family as the fundamental unit of society.”

            I bare my witness that God is aware of everybody (unborn children included) in whatever circumstance they may be in.  He loves you!  I echo the invitation to read words from God Himself, through His servant President Gordon B. Hinckley, about the importance of family.  I am grateful for my little “grape” that is currently growing inside of me.  I am grateful for the opportunity that God is giving me and my husband to raise one of His children.  I love him or her with all of my heart!  In the name of Jesus Christ, our Savior and Redeemer, amen.

Trials and Tender Mercies Part 2-- Peace Like a River

I know, that was a bad way to end that last post, but I didn't know where to go from there!  So here is part two.  I have called it "peace like a river" for a reason.  Rivers are not calm and peaceful all the time.  There are still times when there are obstacles that affect the smoothness of the water.  I believe some of our trials are like that too!  We hit a patch where there is nothing but white water and it is hard, dangerous, and scary!  We get through it to calmer waters only to realize moments later that there is another small patch of white water waiting for you.  But the important part to remember is that there is still beauty in the white water.

Have you ever seen white water?  I think it is absolutely beautiful!!  Everything seems greener in that area too!  Within our own individual trials there is something beautiful there!  There were so many tender mercies in my life these past few months and so many between Saturday and now.  To name a few:  My mother-in-law and father-in-law have studied medicine and knew exactly what to do in this situation, I was able to get some help from the hospital doctors, I have an incredible husband who is willing to help me with anything and everything that I was needing, I have amazing parents at home who were (and are) praying for me, my Father-in-law and my husband are worthy Priesthood holders who could give me a blessing of healing and peace, and so many other things!!

If you get nothing else out of this story and experience, let it be this:  God is aware of you!  God knows what you are going through.  It may seem like a lot of white water in your life right now, but God is the ultimate white water raft guide.  He can see ahead; He sees the peace that is coming your way.  He will guide you and bless you with those sweet tender mercies to get you through your trial.  I found this cool quote on Pinterest that goes like this: "Peace is not the absence of trouble, but the presence of Christ."  Your trials are not to tear you down, they are to strengthen you!  My friend Hank Smith pointed out that whenever you are going through a trial you should remember that your "track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Keep going!  Push through and endure to the end.  Will it be easy?  Probably not, but if you turn to Christ and truly put your trust in Him it will be easier.  He will help carry your burdens and make them lighter.  He suffered for everything that you have ever felt and will ever feel.  There is nothing that He can't handle, and there is nothing that you can't do with Him on your side.


*Just so I don't leave you hanging, here is an update: yesterday I woke up feeling a bit better.  The nausea was gone and so was the diarrhea!  I was still incredibly weak, but I also hadn't eaten or really taken in much nutrients for a day and a half!   I focused on getting liquids into me.  I tried sipping water, Powerade, or Sprite every few minutes.  By the end of the night I could walk around on my own without feeling like I had to lean up against something all the time (every now and again I still need to, but it is a work in progress), I could lift something more than two pounds, and I didn't feel like I had to lay down all the time.  I was able to keep everything down and it was excellent!  Given, I am not 100%, but I am better!

Trials and Tender Mercies: Part 1--Enduring Trials

These past few months have been interesting for me.  I am the type of person who doesn't normally get incredibly sick; I will get the occasional headache, but other than that I am good.  Well, these past few months have been a real challenge.  I have heard that the first year for teaching is the worst when it comes to illnesses but I didn't believe it.  My first semester at school I didn't get sick at all, at least not badly enough to use my sick days.  When I left for Christmas break, I was fit as a fiddle!  I ran my first 5k, I was eating really healthy, I had just met the most adorable young man (who would later become my husband), and I was feeling the best I had in a long time!

This second semester has been very different.

Within the first few weeks of returning from Christmas break I was immediately hit with trials of sickness, awful nightmares, carpal tunnel syndrome, and negative thoughts running through my head.  It was hard for me, but nothing has been harder than this past weekend.  I wanted to write down my experiences not to be all "doom and gloom", but to express what Nephi shares in 1 Nephi 1:20 that, "the tender mercies of the Lord are over all those whom he hath chosen, because of their faith, to make them mighty even unto the power of deliverance."  The story itself of what happened this weekend is long, so I will put it into two parts.  Don't feel obligated to read it; it is really so that I can remember what I am learning.  But if you are going through a trial in your life, maybe this will help you.  :)

On Friday I started rehearsals for my summer job at Starlight Mountain Theater!  I cannot tell you how excited I was, and am, to be working with such an awesome cast!!  Friday was the first day I met everybody and it was awesome!  The day started out at 9:30 am with a cast read-through of our first production Cinderella.  It was fun to experiment with the rest of the cast and see how they would be portraying their specific characters.  The rest of the day was pretty much the same; Tony and I had costume fittings and then a dance rehearsal that evening.  When we came back for the evening at 10:00 pm we ate dinner with the rest of the family.  The food was delicious and we enjoyed some fun conversations about "rabid deer" and other things.

Around 10:45 pm I started feeling a little nauseous, not badly enough that I had to run for the toilet right then, but just enough that I could feel it.  I attributed it to being in a different place with a different schedule and pushed it from my mind.  We decided to play a game and I was slowly feeling worse.  I didn't want to say anything because I didn't feel it very important.  We ended up going to bed around 11:30 pm, by this time my stomach was starting to cramp and my nausea was feeling a little worse.  I remember thinking to myself that "If I just get some sleep I am sure I will be fine."

3:00 am rolls around and I know that I need to get to a toilet fast!  I didn't want to wake anybody up, so I prayed that I would be able to fall back asleep . . . it didn't work so well.  I was feeling prompted to wake Tony up and move fast.  I felt shaky and I didn't want to move, but I followed the prompting.  I woke my husband up and he was nice enough to help me down and over to the toilet.  It ended up being worse than I thought; not only was I nauseous but I had diarrhea as well.  It was the worst sickness I could ever remember having.  We ended up waking Mom and Dad up for some help which I am so grateful they were willing to give.

By the time I got cleaned up it was about 4:15 am.  We had the impression that we needed to go down the mountain tonight to return back to our home.  Mom and Dad gave me a bowl for the drive, they had everything packed for us so that we could leave as soon as we were done, and everything went smoothly.  Dad and Tony gave me a blessing before we left and in the blessing, specifically we were told "you will get down the mountain without incident"  which is something I really needed to hear!  At that, we were off down the mountain.  We had to stop three or four times because I started throwing up again, but there was no diarrhea on the ride down.  It was a great tender mercy!

We got back to the apartment around 6:15 am where Tony tucked me into bed and we slept for a few hours.  When we woke I felt absolutely awful!  I have heard people say that they feel like they "got hit by a bus" and I would always ask how they would know that . . . I felt like I got hit by a bus!!  My body ached, my head was pounding, I felt sick to my stomach, my stomach was cramping, it was just awful!  I was hardly able to keep fluid in me and we were starting to get worried.

Around 3:00 pm (so 12 hours later) I started to get a fever.  Tony put a cool washcloth on my forehead and rubbed cool water on my face and arms, but it would evaporate off within a few seconds.  We got some Tylenol to see if that would help, but within the time that it should have worked my temperature went up.  Tony deeply felt that I should go to the ER to get some help, so we did.  Around 7:00 pm we ended up at the ER and we, fortunately, didn't have to wait long to get in to see some people!

They did several different tests to see if there was anything wrong and gave me an IV (which I apparently went through the one bag really fast).  At first we thought they were just going to want the two samples (blood and urine) for their tests.  After we had been there for about two hours a radiologist, Mike, came in and said that he was going to take me in for a CT scan.  I could hear the worry in Tony's voice as he asked if he could come with me.  It pained me to hear Mike tell Tony he was going to have to hang tight for five minutes.  When I came back we waited another couple of hours for the results and the doctors to come in and tell us what was going on.  Mom was able to come in, which I am so grateful for!  I kept falling asleep mid-conversation, so I was really glad Tony had somebody there to keep him company.

The doctors came in around 10:45 pm and explained that the results showed that I probably had the norovirus that has been going around Nampa, but that it was causing some lower abdominal pain and then they said a lot of scientific things.  In all I was sent home feeling slightly better due to having some liquid in me.  I will be totally honest, I have never been so sick before in my life and it was really scary for me.  It was even harder to watch my sweet husband want to do everything to make me feel better, and yet there really wasn't anything he could do.

Thoughts the Day Before My Wedding!!!

*Warning:  If you don't like people who get "mushy" don't read on. ;)

I can't believe it is finally here!!  After getting engaged in January I didn't think this day would ever come; now that it is here I still can't believe it.  I was talking to Tony today and I was telling him that I feel the excitement but it doesn't feel like a reality yet.  I don't think it will be a reality until I'm kneeling across the alter with him.

When we got engaged I was afraid that I would have a hard time focusing on work, bills, and basically everything that doesn't have to do with Tony and the wedding; but the opposite happened.  My life got slammed with the craziness of school, concerts, church calling, and my sister's wedding (yep, my parents have two weddings within a week of each other).  It just got harder the closer we got.  This past week was absolutely exhausting, both for Tony and myself.

It doesn't look like much of a schedule, and there are things that aren't on it.  But all of the things on here just zapped me of all of my energy!

And yet, with all of the things we had to do and despite our lack of energy we helped each other make it through.  I had always thought about what it would be like if my spouse and I were both exhausted but one of us needed help.  What would we do?  What would I do?  Would I be willing to help out?  Well, this week I received my answer.

Now, Tony and I aren't married yet, but this experience applies all the same!  A couple of nights ago Tony came over and we were both exhausted.  We had both had a rough day, but I felt this overwhelming desire to just listen to him and serve him.  It reminded me of a scripture in D&C 25 where the Lord is speaking to Emma Smith (Joseph Smith's wife).  He said, in verse 5:
"And the office of thy calling shall be for a comfort unto my servant, Joseph Smith, Jun., thy husband, in his afflictions, with consoling words, in the spirit of meekness."

That desire propelled me forward and fed me energy.  I was able to actively listen, offer advice when asked, and even get up off the couch to grab him some water (yes, moving from the couch was hard).  This past week, though it felt like a nightmare, ended up being a huge tender mercy!  Tony is so good at serving and helping me, so it felt really good to be able to do that for him.

These thoughts are jumbled and scrambled and just all around not organized.  But I just want to share my testimony that I know that God really does have His hand in my life.  He has helped make one of the most stressful times a huge blessing.  He has calmed my heart and mind so that I can do the things that He would have me do.  He has also blessed me with the most incredible man I have ever met and I am grateful that I get to spend all time and eternity with him!!!  I know God lives and that He is watching over me!

Our Story: Dates to Dating

I haven't blogged forever and a lot has happened!  I have had several people ask me about my fiance, Tony, and I and what our story is.  So, here is Part 1 of our story:

I am a music teacher and I was getting ready for my concerts at the beginning of December.  One of my friends and co-workers recommended a young man in her ward, Ryan.  So, I called and got him for both of my concerts.  I didn't meet Tony until the second concert (Dec. 11, 2014).  He came to help set all of the sound equipment up.  We talked a little bit as we set-up and as I tried getting everything ready for the concert.  The first thing I noticed about him as I spoke with him was his genuine and sweet smile.  He seemed interested in what I had to say and he seemed incredibly happy to be there.

Right before the concert, as I was setting up my camera, I noticed that my tripod was broken.  So, I had to improvise and make a "ghetto-pod" (see picture below).  Tony came up and stated that he was going to find me on Facebook because he thought I was cool.  I still feel really badly about this, but by this point I had forgotten his name.  My mind was going crazy trying to get stuff ready for the concert.  So, I asked for a reminder of his name.  He remembered mine, so I felt a little silly.  But, the good news is I remember it now. :)

After the high school concert as Ryan, Mama Shuck, Aiden, and I took stuff down they continuously talked about Tony.  I found out that he was in a production of "A Christmas Carol".  That is my favorite Christmas play of all time!  I asked about when the performances were and I set a plan on when I would be going.

True to his word, Tony added me on Facebook a few days later.  I sent him a message about how I could obtain tickets to go to his performance.  He gave me all of the information and then asked me out on a date.  Not going to lie, I read that message and started feeling really giggly (he doesn't know this, unless he is reading it now).  We set up a day and time to go out and I was so ferociously stoked!  We continued to write messages back and forth for the next couple of days talking about our favorite plays/musicals, dream roles, running, and all sorts of things!  He and his Mom wrote an arrangement for "I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day" and I told him that he needed to record it so I could hear it.  He ended up inviting me to sing with the Ward choir that upcoming Sunday (Dec. 21) so that I could hear it, and I did!

Well, our first date fell through.  Tony got off work later than anticipated and I was dead tired!  So, we decided that we would try again some other time.  But later that week I was going to see his performance.  I ended up watching it with his whole family (it has become a joke that I had a date with his family before I had a date with him).  It was such a well-done production and I thoroughly enjoyed watching it!  After the performance Tony asked me if I wanted to go get ice cream.  I told him I probably shouldn't because I had my 5k race the next morning.  We said that we would do something soon, but we kind of left it at that.

I then left for Christmas break and we didn't really talk much during that time.  There were a few messages, but not a lot happened.

When I came back is when things really started to pick-up.

On Dec. 28 I invited Tony over to play games with my roommate, her boyfriend, and another friend.  He came and we discussed the date that we would be going on on Tuesday.  Our first date was Dec. 30th and we went and saw "Into the Woods".  We stayed up super late just talking and getting to know each other better.  Not going to lie, I felt like I had known him forever so the conversations weren't hard to have.

That entire week we spent almost every day together.  On the 31st we celebrated New Year's Eve by going to Costa Vida, setting off Fireworks, and then watching some "Quantum Leap".  Friday, Jan. 2 we went to the Library and read some of our favorite children's books to each other!  On Jan. 3rd I got to go to the temple with he and his parents to do a session.  It was such a blast!

Sunday came and I had two young men in my Ward ask me out on dates.  I told them that I would have to get back to them because I wasn't sure what was going on with Tony and I.  We had spent almost every day together and were planning on seeing each other still and, quite frankly, I didn't want to date anybody else!  So, on Jan. 5 I didn't have any school (it was an "ice day").  So we got together to make dinner, and it was so cool!  We made palascintas (Hungarian crepes basically), I got to flip it in the pan and it was awesome!!!  That night I told him the situation and what I was feeling.  He felt the same way, so we started dating!

I wish I could put into words how freaking excited I was in that moment (I guess you could say right now too, because it hasn't worn off)!  This story is to be continued in Part 2--Our Story: Dating to Engagement  :D

My ghetto-pod!!!

A Christmas Carol!!

One of the coolest dates EVER!!  We drew a picture of ourself and then wrote down some of the questions/problems we have and are going through.  We threw our problems down and then tore our picture up and placed the pieces on top.  Then we wrote about our problem and why that body part landed on that problem.  It was so cool!!!

Palascintas!!!

It's ONLY 3.1 Miles

For the last nine weeks I have been preparing for my first ever 5k.  I have to tell you it was a difficult journey, but I am so grateful for how much I have learned from it.  I learned so much, I have decided to start training for a 10k.  I have received so much support for this race and am so grateful to everybody who supported me in it!  Here are some pictures/videos from the event:

 Lessons I learned from training/running:

1. Even a short run makes a difference.
1. There were so many days when I felt like not running at all.  But making that small effort to go every day and run even one mile helped me.
2. Nobody is perfect.
1. Even if I did miss a day of running it didn't mean it was the end of the world.  Yes the next run was a little harder, but I could still do it.  If you miss one day of running, don't let that stop you.  Pick-up the next day and just keep going.
3. Running is free therapy!
1. Life is stressful . . . pounding the pavement/treadmill helps. :)
4. Find somebody to hold you accountable.
1. I not only had my running buddy (who I desperately needed), but I also had my friends who were runners.  They had heard that I started running and would ask me how my runs were going.  I also had my school district.  We started a "Healthy Changes" program and I signed up for it.  I had to report to somebody in the district weekly to tell them how I did.  I felt foolish if I had to tell them I didn't run that day, so I made a point to do it.
5. Anybody can run.
1. I have never been one for running (unless it was in a sport).  But the more I ran the more I loved it.  I was the last person I ever thought would enjoy running.  I was that kid in high school who HATED running the mile and would pretend to be sick to get out of running it (*Note for the kids reading this, it doesn't work.  You will still have to run it eventually).  My fastest mile in high school was 14:13.  Now, my fastest mile is 10:42. So, if I can run YOU most definitely can run!

This change has been such a blessing and improvement in my life!  I feel better emotionally, mentally, physically, and even spiritually.  My mind is clearer and quicker!  I'm excited to see how much longer I can go with this!

Jesus Said Love Everyone

"Jesus said love everyone."
     ~Primary Song

I have received about twelve Facebook messages from people over the last few weeks bringing up two pictures I was in.  Due to this high number (and lack of time to message each individually), I have decided to write a blog post answering questions about these two pictures.  Let me show them to you:

Neither of these pictures are bad.  Heck, I feel like we look pretty good!  We look so into what we are doing!

The main thing that people keep e-mailing me about is that this was at a Boise Gay Men's Chorus rehearsal.  I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, some people know the people of the church as Mormons.  I had people tell me that I was sinning by being at the rehearsal.  It has been brought up again since I have changed my profile picture to say "I am a Mormon".  I was/am being told that I was rebelling against God by going to that practice.  And this is where I want my address to begin.

I want to say, first and foremost, that that is simply not true.  My stance on marriage is that it is "ordained of God" and that He intended it to be "between a man and a woman".  I do not agree with the same-sex marriage lifestyle.  However, that does not mean that I cannot love people who live that lifestyle.

The awesome young man whom I am sitting next to in both of these pictures is one of my best friends.  We worked together at Skyview while I was student teaching and I have to tell you that he is one of the finest young men I have ever met.  He had sent me a message earlier that day inviting me to their rehearsal that night.  They were just about to go on a tour so this was a "practice performance".   I gladly accepted the invitation!  I love listening to a good men's chorus; and they sounded amazing!  When I got there he asked if I would be willing to turn pages for him, so I did!

I did not go to the performance and say that I support same-sex marriage or those kinds of actions.  I went to a performance to support my friends and listen to good music.  There is no sin there.

The second thing that is being mentioned is this question: "Doesn't your church teach that all people who are gay are bad people?"  My response to that is this:

No!

As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints I do not hate people who are gay, nor have I ever been taught that in my life!  We are taught to love all of God's children and strive to help bring them closer to Him.  I can't do that if I "hate them".

Ever since I was a little girl I have had the gift of loving.  I sometimes feel that it was because I was kind of the "odd duck" in school and often times felt left out and alone.  I think that those experiences as a child helped me gain a better understanding on how to love people despite their actions, interests, religion, or sexuality.  It actually got me into some trouble because people would use my kindness and love to manipulate me.  The primary song "I Am a Child of God" resonated deep within me, not because I would sing it about myself, but about everybody else.  Whenever I sang that song, I thought of everybody around me.  I know that everybody is a child of God, despite the mistakes we have made, will make, or are making.  There is nothing we can do to change our divine heritage!  You are a child of God.

In 3 Nephi 27:27 Christ says, "What manner of men ought ye to be?  Verily I say unto you, even as I am."  If I am wanting to follow in Christ's footprints then I must love everybody.  We were not commanded to "love just those who have the same standards as you" or "just love those that are nice to you".  We are commanded to "love one another as I have loved you".

Loving somebody does not mean that I have to agree with everything they say or do.  Think about when you were a teenager and made decisions that your parents didn't support.  Did that stop them from loving you?  No!

Elder Oaks, in an interview with Public Affairs, was asked what the proper response would be if you were in this situation:
"Let's say my 17-year-old son comes to talk to me and, after a great deal of difficulty trying to get it out, tells me that he believes that he's attracted to men--that he has no interest and never has had any interest in girls.  He believes he's probably gay.  He says that he's tried to suppress these feelings. . . He just feels he can't live what he thinks is a lie any longer, and so he comes in this very upset and depressed manner.  What do I tell him as a parent?"
Elder Oak's response is beautiful.  He says, "You're my son.  You will always be my son, and I'll always be there to help you."  (Dec. 12, 2012; "Same Gender Attraction").

It is my personal testimony that everybody is a child of God.  He loves each and every one of you.  There are no exceptions.  If I want to someday be like my Heavenly Father, why not start now?  I pray that this blog answered some, if not all, of the questions that people had about my stance on this issue.

If you want to learn more you can go to:
www.lds.org
www.mormon.org  or
www.mormonsandgays.org
All of these websites will answer any other questions you have.

The church also just released this statement:

"The succession of federal court decisions in recent months, culminating in today’s announcement by the Supreme Court, will have no effect on the doctrinal position or practices of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, which is that only marriage between a man and a woman is acceptable to God. In prizing freedom of conscience and Constitutional guarantees of the free exercise of religion, we will continue to teach that standard and uphold it in our religious practices.

Nevertheless, respectful coexistence is possible with those with differing values. As far as the civil law is concerned, the courts have spoken. Church leaders will continue to encourage our people to be persons of good will toward all, rejecting persecution of any kind based on race, ethnicity, religious belief or non-belief, and differences in sexual orientation." (Oct. 6, 2014)