Monday night I was at rehearsal for a choir I'm in (Viking Camarata). I had a question about one of my solo pieces, and so I asked Sheryl (my accompanist) if she'd be willing to listen to me and give me some pointers. So, after rehearsal we started heading into another room when my friend, Devin, asked where we were going. I told him that I had a question for Sheryl and she was going to help me with it.
"Are you going to sing?" He asked,
"Uh . . ."
"Yes she is!" Sheryl responded.
"Can I come listen?" Devin chimmed,
"Uh . . ."
"Of course, come on!" I immediately felt my heart rise into my throat as we walked down the hall to try to find another room (I was too shy and scared to do it in front of the people that were in the Recital Hall). None of the rooms were available. Devin suggested going back and singing in the Recital Hall. I told him that I didn't want to because there was other people in there. To shorten this story a little bit, I did end up singing in the Recital Hall. I'm not sure why I was scared to, but it literally made me sick afterward. My hands were shaking very fiercely and I could feel my stomach turning and tying itself into knots. I felt vulnerable, in a way that I hadn't felt in a long time. Even as I write this now, I can see how silly it was that I reacted the way that I did; however, I did and there's a lesson learned.
As I walked home, I tried to gain control over my hands and stomach, but the queasiness continued to get worse. When I finally got home I could feel myself fighting back tears of embarrassment and foolishness. (Now, I'll quickly add that I didn't sing terribly! In fact, I sang rather well; yet the feeling was still there). I went to bed shortly after, still feeling this sickness and overbearing sense of vulnerability. When I woke up the next morning, I felt like I was suffering from a "vulnerability hang-over" (the feelings that I felt the previous night had dragged into the morning). I didn't want to do anything, all I wanted to do was stay in bed. Of course, I didn't; I immediately got up and got ready to do scripture study with my roommate, Rebecca.
As I went throughout the day, I tried to push aside the feelings I was feeling (because in all honesty, it was quite ridiculous) but I couldn't. It came time for Devotional and I pulled out my scriptures so I could read a little bit before hand. I started reading for my Doctrine and Covenants class in section 122; a quick back story about this section, this is when Joseph Smith is in Liberty Jail and the Haun's Mill Massacre has happened. The Haun's Mill Massacre is possibly the bloodiest and worst thing that happened to the Saints; men were beaten, their skulls were smashed in by muskets, women were raped and killed, and children were raped and killed. It was so bad, that in D&C 123:10 it says that these events were "enough to make hell itself shudder . . . and the hands of the very devil to tremble and palsy." I was reading the section prior, but all of those things were happening. As I read verse ten of section 122 I was caught off-guard. At the end of the verse it says: "know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good." Whenever I read my son, or thee, or thy I heard in my head Sarah. Never had a message been so clear to me before, this experience was for my good. I continued on, in verse eight I was reminded that the Savior descended below what I was currently feeling; I needed to turn to Him so He can help me and heal me. Finally the last thing that stood out to me was in verse nine: "hold on thy way" This trial wasn't going to last forever! Hold tight and obey the Lord in all that I do!
Now, the lesson I learned after reading this: I've picked one of, if not the most vulnerable major in the world! Music, when performed correctly, is giving a piece of your soul and heart to the audience. It is them sharing a piece of themselves with you, the audience. It isn't easy to perform in front of people, and I feel that I understand more fully why. Not only that, but it's the same thing in a voice lesson or audition. You share a piece of yourself with your teacher and they are to critique your singing. In short, this experience has helped me learn how to better connect with my students. I can't remember how many times I'd ask them, after they sang something, if they were nervous or scared! Well, of course they are! By realizing how vulnerable this situation is, I can help by not being harsh in my words, smiling, and purely recognizing how scary that really is. I commend all of the people out there who are taking voice lessons and are sharing themselves with their voice teacher. That being said, I realize it gets frustrating too. To that, I say "hold on thy way . . . for these experiences will be for thy good." (D&C 122: 7 and 9)
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