"Goals in writing are dreams with deadlines." ~ Brian Tracy
I have been doing a lot of thinking over the past few days. I've been watching a couple of TED Talks online (specifically Brene Brown about vulnerability and shame) and I've been realizing things about myself. First of all, a quick explanation about vulnerability, it is not weakness. Another word you can use for vulnerability is openness. I've been noticing that, with what I want to do and be in my life I need to be more vulnerable (or open). Here's where this entry might become a little personal, but I want to share what I've been thinking about and how I want to overcome it. I feel that if I write it down, I have more people that can hold me to what I'm saying.
My number one goal is to be married in one of the temples of the Lord. I want to be a loving wife and mother who is sealed to my family for all time and eternity. I was talking to one of my roommates about this the other day and I told her "I would drop my education right now to be a mother." As I said that, I had a little argument with myself. I graduate a year from July, I am so close to being done. And yet, I would still feel completely content with stopping my education to raise a family. Now, that thought scared me all the same. (*Note: I'm not dating anybody or anything, so that doesn't seem to be in the near future. But that's still my thought process) As I've been listening to The Power of Vulnerability (Brene Brown) this is what I've noticed, I'm afraid to open up. I use to be so open with people and willing to tell them everything about me . . . I'm not necessarily like that anymore. I am with select people like my Mom and Dad, my older brother and sister-in-law, and a few close girl friends (literally 3-4). Here's the problem with this, if I'm afraid to be vulnerable and have people see me as me, then I'm never going to obtain my number one goal. It's kind of odd how that works, but it's true.
Now, pulling shame into this, this is why I'm afraid to be vulnerable; I feel like I don't deserve it. Brown gave an excellent definition of shame vs. guilt. She said that "guilt is feeling that you did something wrong" whereas "shame is feeling that you are wrong." I have some shame in my life; not that I'm a bad person, but that I'm not good enough, I'm not thin enough, I'm not pretty enough (and trust me, these feelings are slowly diminishing). But because these thoughts are still there, I don't feel that I deserve anything and I pull up my brick walls around me and don't let anybody in. I want to change that! I know that I am a daughter of God, I tell people all the time that "God doesn't make trash!" He has never made an ugly child . . . so why am I the exception? This is my goal, to change this current paradigm I have. To get rid of the shame that I have and to lower my walls so that people who need to (and want to) be in my life can be. I know that, with the help of my friends, family, and (most importantly) God I can overcome this current mountain in my life.
"First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do." ~Epictetus
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Proverbs 24:16
"For a just man falleth seven times, and riseth up again . . ."
I've officially finished my first week a of classes! It never ceases to amaze me how much I seem to pile on in a semester, and yet also how much the Lord blesses me and helps me do it all. I am not taking that many credits this semester (only 14); but I am also working, assisting the BYU-Idaho Women's Choir, singing in the Viking Camarata (chamber ensemble on campus), and participating in barbershop. Needless to say, it has been really busy. But I'm still putting all of my faith in God and He truly is helping me out a lot!
I'd like to talk about my first experience with the Women's Choir a little bit. I helped with the alto section call-backs. First of all, I consider myself incredibly blessed to have had somebody by my side to help me because I hadn't ever done it before. I also felt grateful for who I got to do it with; the young woman that helped me was somebody that I have had some friction with in the past. It wasn't really bad friction, but it was bad enough that when I found out I was working with her my stomach tightened. As we worked together, God gave me the beautiful opportunity to see this sister in a new light. I learned some things about her that I never knew and I grew to love her as a beautiful daughter of God. God truly does love all of His children, and even though we are sometimes put into uncomfortable situations, there is something to be learned.
Friday that same sister and I taught the entire hour of Women's choir. I learned a few things about myself that were kind of discouraging (especially if I want to be a teacher). I have a hard time telling people what to do. I'm good at asking, but telling is a different story. Overall, the class went really well. Monday/yesterday was a different story. I was a nervous wreck! Sister Ashby was back and she helped me as I tried to conduct the class. I could feel my energy drop (seeing as how I hadn't eaten since breakfast, I felt like I had an excuse--which is incorrect) and the pace of the class started to slow down. No matter how hard I tried to get it back up, I couldn't do it. Again, I feel incredibly blessed that I had somebody there who was willing to help me push forward (thanks Sister Ashby!!!). I walked out of that class feeling pretty low. I felt a little overwhelmed and I just didn't want to do it ever again. And as I thought that, another interesting--and in my mind pro-founding--question popped into my head, and this is what it was: "Then why do you want to be a music educator?" And that has been the question that I have been thinking about for the last twenty-four hours.
I listened to a TEDtalk (thanks to my friend Kellie for getting me on those) about shame last night and she, Brene Brown, talked about the difference between shame and guilt. Now, the difference is that shame has to do with what you are. When you feel shame, you feel like what you did makes you a terrible person; that is what I was feeling yesterday. I felt so ashamed that I was a horrible teacher. When the truth is, I'm learning how to be a teacher. I'm striving to have an open mind and keep my eyes forward on what I want to be. Yes, I am a teacher; but I'm also a student (and that is what I am primarily right now). Guilt is feeling bad about something you did; it doesn't have to do with who you are. It has everything to do with what you did. I didn't have any guilt about the class that day. All I was feeling was shame. And sadly, that is exactly what Satan wanted me to feel. I am not a horrible teacher because what I'm doing is new for me. This is a learning experience for me, and with time I will become better. But that one experience doesn't make me a horrible teacher.
I woke up this morning with a new found determination to be the best teacher I can be! Not just in the Women's choir or in the mentor groups (which I did this morning and I will be doing tomorrow morning), but also as a student at BYU-Idaho. We believe in teaching one another--thank you Learning Model. I have the opportunity every day to teach somebody something, whether it's academic or not, and I'm striving to take advantage of those opportunities from now on.
I've officially finished my first week a of classes! It never ceases to amaze me how much I seem to pile on in a semester, and yet also how much the Lord blesses me and helps me do it all. I am not taking that many credits this semester (only 14); but I am also working, assisting the BYU-Idaho Women's Choir, singing in the Viking Camarata (chamber ensemble on campus), and participating in barbershop. Needless to say, it has been really busy. But I'm still putting all of my faith in God and He truly is helping me out a lot!
I'd like to talk about my first experience with the Women's Choir a little bit. I helped with the alto section call-backs. First of all, I consider myself incredibly blessed to have had somebody by my side to help me because I hadn't ever done it before. I also felt grateful for who I got to do it with; the young woman that helped me was somebody that I have had some friction with in the past. It wasn't really bad friction, but it was bad enough that when I found out I was working with her my stomach tightened. As we worked together, God gave me the beautiful opportunity to see this sister in a new light. I learned some things about her that I never knew and I grew to love her as a beautiful daughter of God. God truly does love all of His children, and even though we are sometimes put into uncomfortable situations, there is something to be learned.
Friday that same sister and I taught the entire hour of Women's choir. I learned a few things about myself that were kind of discouraging (especially if I want to be a teacher). I have a hard time telling people what to do. I'm good at asking, but telling is a different story. Overall, the class went really well. Monday/yesterday was a different story. I was a nervous wreck! Sister Ashby was back and she helped me as I tried to conduct the class. I could feel my energy drop (seeing as how I hadn't eaten since breakfast, I felt like I had an excuse--which is incorrect) and the pace of the class started to slow down. No matter how hard I tried to get it back up, I couldn't do it. Again, I feel incredibly blessed that I had somebody there who was willing to help me push forward (thanks Sister Ashby!!!). I walked out of that class feeling pretty low. I felt a little overwhelmed and I just didn't want to do it ever again. And as I thought that, another interesting--and in my mind pro-founding--question popped into my head, and this is what it was: "Then why do you want to be a music educator?" And that has been the question that I have been thinking about for the last twenty-four hours.
I listened to a TEDtalk (thanks to my friend Kellie for getting me on those) about shame last night and she, Brene Brown, talked about the difference between shame and guilt. Now, the difference is that shame has to do with what you are. When you feel shame, you feel like what you did makes you a terrible person; that is what I was feeling yesterday. I felt so ashamed that I was a horrible teacher. When the truth is, I'm learning how to be a teacher. I'm striving to have an open mind and keep my eyes forward on what I want to be. Yes, I am a teacher; but I'm also a student (and that is what I am primarily right now). Guilt is feeling bad about something you did; it doesn't have to do with who you are. It has everything to do with what you did. I didn't have any guilt about the class that day. All I was feeling was shame. And sadly, that is exactly what Satan wanted me to feel. I am not a horrible teacher because what I'm doing is new for me. This is a learning experience for me, and with time I will become better. But that one experience doesn't make me a horrible teacher.
I woke up this morning with a new found determination to be the best teacher I can be! Not just in the Women's choir or in the mentor groups (which I did this morning and I will be doing tomorrow morning), but also as a student at BYU-Idaho. We believe in teaching one another--thank you Learning Model. I have the opportunity every day to teach somebody something, whether it's academic or not, and I'm striving to take advantage of those opportunities from now on.
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Art, Bowling, and Frozen Lemonade
Alright, so this past week has been my "Spring Break". I go back to Rexburg tomorrow evening! I couldn't be more excited to further my knowledge! I feel so blessed to be able to study at BYU-Idaho and do what I love every day!
Well, this evening I went on a date with my friend Logan. He ended up giving me a tour of the HFAC (Harris Fine Arts Center), which has so many different hallways, I was getting very lost. We then went to the Wilk and bowled. Now, I was terrified when he asked me to bowl. I am quite horrible at bowling--in fact, my Dad showed me today how to bowl properly. I was surprised how well I was doing though. I was getting spares every now and then. I then mentioned Skittles Bowling; Skittles Bowling is when you have a bag of Skittles and you draw a color. Whatever color you choose determines how you bowl. So, we did something a little different than that. Because in a turn you bowl twice, the other person would tell the bowler a funny way to bowl and then the bowler would choose one on their second turn. It was quite hysterical! We did things like the "Granny Style", backwards, in-between your legs, left-handed, pushing it, kicking it, and even sideways! It was awesome!
We played two games like that, and then we went out for ice cream. We ended up getting frozen Minute Maid Lemonade! It was absolutely delicious! As we ate our lemonade, we walked around the HFAC and looked at all of the art. Some of the art didn't have a title, so we made up titles for it. Not only that, but if there was a person in the painting, we would give them a name too. One of my favorites was a portrait of a young woman; I asked Logan what he thought her name was. He looked at her for a moment and then said "Grutilda!" I laughed a little bit and responded "Man, I was thinking Julie!' So, we gave her the name "Grutilda Julie Smith". It was so much fun!
There were a couple of pieces of art that made me think a little bit. One of the things I thought of was the impact of visual art on children in school. Not only that, but also things like music and theatre as well! What a powerful impact it has; it really frustrates me that people are trying to get rid of those kinds of programs. It is a way of expressing yourself and getting away from the world for a little bit. Just like kids who play sports, it's a good stress reliever. It helps them to get away from their school work for a little bit and clear their minds. Well, painting, drawing, singing, playing piano, etc. all do the same thing! They were interesting thoughts, but I feel that it was helping me develop my educational philosophy a little bit more.
Well, this evening I went on a date with my friend Logan. He ended up giving me a tour of the HFAC (Harris Fine Arts Center), which has so many different hallways, I was getting very lost. We then went to the Wilk and bowled. Now, I was terrified when he asked me to bowl. I am quite horrible at bowling--in fact, my Dad showed me today how to bowl properly. I was surprised how well I was doing though. I was getting spares every now and then. I then mentioned Skittles Bowling; Skittles Bowling is when you have a bag of Skittles and you draw a color. Whatever color you choose determines how you bowl. So, we did something a little different than that. Because in a turn you bowl twice, the other person would tell the bowler a funny way to bowl and then the bowler would choose one on their second turn. It was quite hysterical! We did things like the "Granny Style", backwards, in-between your legs, left-handed, pushing it, kicking it, and even sideways! It was awesome!
We played two games like that, and then we went out for ice cream. We ended up getting frozen Minute Maid Lemonade! It was absolutely delicious! As we ate our lemonade, we walked around the HFAC and looked at all of the art. Some of the art didn't have a title, so we made up titles for it. Not only that, but if there was a person in the painting, we would give them a name too. One of my favorites was a portrait of a young woman; I asked Logan what he thought her name was. He looked at her for a moment and then said "Grutilda!" I laughed a little bit and responded "Man, I was thinking Julie!' So, we gave her the name "Grutilda Julie Smith". It was so much fun!
There were a couple of pieces of art that made me think a little bit. One of the things I thought of was the impact of visual art on children in school. Not only that, but also things like music and theatre as well! What a powerful impact it has; it really frustrates me that people are trying to get rid of those kinds of programs. It is a way of expressing yourself and getting away from the world for a little bit. Just like kids who play sports, it's a good stress reliever. It helps them to get away from their school work for a little bit and clear their minds. Well, painting, drawing, singing, playing piano, etc. all do the same thing! They were interesting thoughts, but I feel that it was helping me develop my educational philosophy a little bit more.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Juries!!!
I cannot contain my excitement right now about my jury!! I was signed up to sing at 9:20 this morning; I was to go after Cameo. I woke up, was dressed and ready to go by 7:15am. I then went and started to warm-up; I could feel my nerves increase the longer I practiced. When the time came to sing, my nerves were sitting right by my larynx. Then it was my turn!
My jury consisted of Sister Eda Ashby, Sister Michelle Broadbent, and Brother/Dr. David Olsen. I presented L'Heure Exquise by Reynaldo Hahn. I was convinced that they were going to pick my big aria Che faro senza Euridice? (From the opera Orfeo ed Euridice by Gluck). Instead, they picked Nimmersatte Liebe by Hugo Wolf. I was surprised, but I got excited at the same time! After I sang, Dr. Olsen asked me to talk a little bit about Che faro . . . So, I did! As I walked out of the Barrus, Sister Ashby stopped me and asked if I had taken Choral Practicum yet. I told her that I had and she asked me to be an assistant for Women's Choir!! I couldn't believe it; I still can't believe it!!
My accompanist, Sheryl, kind of tackled me when I came out. She told me that I "rocked it" (hence the reason I used the term earlier). I'm feeling really good about it; I won't find out my grade until sometime next week . . . but I'm feeling really good about it!! =D
My jury consisted of Sister Eda Ashby, Sister Michelle Broadbent, and Brother/Dr. David Olsen. I presented L'Heure Exquise by Reynaldo Hahn. I was convinced that they were going to pick my big aria Che faro senza Euridice? (From the opera Orfeo ed Euridice by Gluck). Instead, they picked Nimmersatte Liebe by Hugo Wolf. I was surprised, but I got excited at the same time! After I sang, Dr. Olsen asked me to talk a little bit about Che faro . . . So, I did! As I walked out of the Barrus, Sister Ashby stopped me and asked if I had taken Choral Practicum yet. I told her that I had and she asked me to be an assistant for Women's Choir!! I couldn't believe it; I still can't believe it!!
My accompanist, Sheryl, kind of tackled me when I came out. She told me that I "rocked it" (hence the reason I used the term earlier). I'm feeling really good about it; I won't find out my grade until sometime next week . . . but I'm feeling really good about it!! =D
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
God's love painted in a sunset!
Well, it's that time of the semester again where finals are weighing heavily on the mind. Not only that, but there are some other things that are weighing pretty heavily; to the point that my vision/brain feels a little cloudy! I talked to one of my friends, Cassandra, yesterday and vented my stresses and concerns. After I vented, she asked if I wanted to say a prayer together; I said I would love to. She was willing to say the prayer because I was afraid I'd cry if I did. As she prayed, she prayed that I would feel my Heavenly Father's love as I continued to go throughout the rest of the semester. That I would notice the small things in my life and recognize God's hand.
After I talked to her I went to the Snow building because I was supposed to meet Isaac there. I have been babysitting his little boy, Tony, this semester. He gave me an Easter basket full of candy! Not going to lie, I was kind of in heaven! Being a girl, when I'm stressed I often want chocolate! Well, there was Dove chocolate in there and some Sour Patch, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, and some other really good stuff! I also got to play with Tony for a little bit, which was a fantastic break from studying! I then headed home for some dinner and then went back to the Snow to practice some more. As I was walking back, there was a young man, Dallin, who started to talk to me. I had never met him before, but it was fun to talk to him. After I practiced for about thirty minutes, I started to mess around on the piano; it felt so good to play piano (although I'm paying for it now).
The greatest blessing, yesterday, was walking home. As I walked out of the Snow building, I walked toward my apartment. The sky was full of intense pinks, oranges, and reds! It was a love note from God. pinks, reds, and oranges represent love; I believe that is why they appear in sunsets so often. Seeing that intensity calmed my troubled heart and helped me feel better than I had for a few days. I'm so grateful for the wonderful friends I have and for God's love. I sometimes feel that I take it for granted (both my friends love and God's love). I need to take President Uchtdorf's advice and "Stop it!" =D But it truly was a tender mercy, just all of the things that happened after Cassandra and I prayed for help. God truly does love all of His children and wants to help them with everything; but He can't if we don't pray, He can't if we don't believe (reference a Jeffrey R. Holland quote).
After I talked to her I went to the Snow building because I was supposed to meet Isaac there. I have been babysitting his little boy, Tony, this semester. He gave me an Easter basket full of candy! Not going to lie, I was kind of in heaven! Being a girl, when I'm stressed I often want chocolate! Well, there was Dove chocolate in there and some Sour Patch, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, and some other really good stuff! I also got to play with Tony for a little bit, which was a fantastic break from studying! I then headed home for some dinner and then went back to the Snow to practice some more. As I was walking back, there was a young man, Dallin, who started to talk to me. I had never met him before, but it was fun to talk to him. After I practiced for about thirty minutes, I started to mess around on the piano; it felt so good to play piano (although I'm paying for it now).
The greatest blessing, yesterday, was walking home. As I walked out of the Snow building, I walked toward my apartment. The sky was full of intense pinks, oranges, and reds! It was a love note from God. pinks, reds, and oranges represent love; I believe that is why they appear in sunsets so often. Seeing that intensity calmed my troubled heart and helped me feel better than I had for a few days. I'm so grateful for the wonderful friends I have and for God's love. I sometimes feel that I take it for granted (both my friends love and God's love). I need to take President Uchtdorf's advice and "Stop it!" =D But it truly was a tender mercy, just all of the things that happened after Cassandra and I prayed for help. God truly does love all of His children and wants to help them with everything; but He can't if we don't pray, He can't if we don't believe (reference a Jeffrey R. Holland quote).
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