". . . dreams with deadlines."

"Goals in writing are dreams with deadlines." ~ Brian Tracy

I have been doing a lot of thinking over the past few days. I've been watching a couple of TED Talks online (specifically Brene Brown about vulnerability and shame) and I've been realizing things about myself. First of all, a quick explanation about vulnerability, it is not weakness. Another word you can use for vulnerability is openness. I've been noticing that, with what I want to do and be in my life I need to be more vulnerable (or open). Here's where this entry might become a little personal, but I want to share what I've been thinking about and how I want to overcome it. I feel that if I write it down, I have more people that can hold me to what I'm saying.

My number one goal is to be married in one of the temples of the Lord. I want to be a loving wife and mother who is sealed to my family for all time and eternity. I was talking to one of my roommates about this the other day and I told her "I would drop my education right now to be a mother." As I said that, I had a little argument with myself. I graduate a year from July, I am so close to being done. And yet, I would still feel completely content with stopping my education to raise a family. Now, that thought scared me all the same. (*Note: I'm not dating anybody or anything, so that doesn't seem to be in the near future. But that's still my thought process) As I've been listening to The Power of Vulnerability (Brene Brown) this is what I've noticed, I'm afraid to open up. I use to be so open with people and willing to tell them everything about me . . . I'm not necessarily like that anymore. I am with select people like my Mom and Dad, my older brother and sister-in-law, and a few close girl friends (literally 3-4). Here's the problem with this, if I'm afraid to be vulnerable and have people see me as me, then I'm never going to obtain my number one goal. It's kind of odd how that works, but it's true.

Now, pulling shame into this, this is why I'm afraid to be vulnerable; I feel like I don't deserve it. Brown gave an excellent definition of shame vs. guilt. She said that "guilt is feeling that you did something wrong" whereas "shame is feeling that you are wrong." I have some shame in my life; not that I'm a bad person, but that I'm not good enough, I'm not thin enough, I'm not pretty enough (and trust me, these feelings are slowly diminishing). But because these thoughts are still there, I don't feel that I deserve anything and I pull up my brick walls around me and don't let anybody in. I want to change that! I know that I am a daughter of God, I tell people all the time that "God doesn't make trash!" He has never made an ugly child . . . so why am I the exception? This is my goal, to change this current paradigm I have. To get rid of the shame that I have and to lower my walls so that people who need to (and want to) be in my life can be. I know that, with the help of my friends, family, and (most importantly) God I can overcome this current mountain in my life.

"First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do." ~Epictetus