Proverbs 24:16

"For a just man falleth seven times, and riseth up again . . ."


I've officially finished my first week a of classes! It never ceases to amaze me how much I seem to pile on in a semester, and yet also how much the Lord blesses me and helps me do it all. I am not taking that many credits this semester (only 14); but I am also working, assisting the BYU-Idaho Women's Choir, singing in the Viking Camarata (chamber ensemble on campus), and participating in barbershop. Needless to say, it has been really busy. But I'm still putting all of my faith in God and He truly is helping me out a lot!

I'd like to talk about my first experience with the Women's Choir a little bit. I helped with the alto section call-backs. First of all, I consider myself incredibly blessed to have had somebody by my side to help me because I hadn't ever done it before. I also felt grateful for who I got to do it with; the young woman that helped me was somebody that I have had some friction with in the past. It wasn't really bad friction, but it was bad enough that when I found out I was working with her my stomach tightened. As we worked together, God gave me the beautiful opportunity to see this sister in a new light. I learned some things about her that I never knew and I grew to love her as a beautiful daughter of God. God truly does love all of His children, and even though we are sometimes put into uncomfortable situations, there is something to be learned.

Friday that same sister and I taught the entire hour of Women's choir. I learned a few things about myself that were kind of discouraging (especially if I want to be a teacher). I have a hard time telling people what to do. I'm good at asking, but telling is a different story. Overall, the class went really well. Monday/yesterday was a different story. I was a nervous wreck! Sister Ashby was back and she helped me as I tried to conduct the class. I could feel my energy drop (seeing as how I hadn't eaten since breakfast, I felt like I had an excuse--which is incorrect) and the pace of the class started to slow down. No matter how hard I tried to get it back up, I couldn't do it. Again, I feel incredibly blessed that I had somebody there who was willing to help me push forward (thanks Sister Ashby!!!). I walked out of that class feeling pretty low. I felt a little overwhelmed and I just didn't want to do it ever again. And as I thought that, another interesting--and in my mind pro-founding--question popped into my head, and this is what it was: "Then why do you want to be a music educator?" And that has been the question that I have been thinking about for the last twenty-four hours.

I listened to a TEDtalk (thanks to my friend Kellie for getting me on those) about shame last night and she, Brene Brown, talked about the difference between shame and guilt. Now, the difference is that shame has to do with what you are. When you feel shame, you feel like what you did makes you a terrible person; that is what I was feeling yesterday. I felt so ashamed that I was a horrible teacher. When the truth is, I'm learning how to be a teacher. I'm striving to have an open mind and keep my eyes forward on what I want to be. Yes, I am a teacher; but I'm also a student (and that is what I am primarily right now). Guilt is feeling bad about something you did; it doesn't have to do with who you are. It has everything to do with what you did. I didn't have any guilt about the class that day. All I was feeling was shame. And sadly, that is exactly what Satan wanted me to feel. I am not a horrible teacher because what I'm doing is new for me. This is a learning experience for me, and with time I will become better. But that one experience doesn't make me a horrible teacher.

I woke up this morning with a new found determination to be the best teacher I can be! Not just in the Women's choir or in the mentor groups (which I did this morning and I will be doing tomorrow morning), but also as a student at BYU-Idaho. We believe in teaching one another--thank you Learning Model. I have the opportunity every day to teach somebody something, whether it's academic or not, and I'm striving to take advantage of those opportunities from now on.